Why is this method and website different from others?
As formerly involved in narcissistic relationships and friendships, I have come to many pages to look for help, and I haven’t found such a page that would really fulfill all my requirements. They helped in some cases, but I always found something that I did not like, in fact it hurt me and pushed me back to former stages of my healing development.
I have learnt in the last period of time to question everything and do not accept automatically what is said, done or taught. Sometimes I read a book on self development and I love the basic ideas of the author. Then comes a chapter where I question what he claims because from my own experience and perception I’ve learnt something different. I do not say that I’m an incurable and captious critic, but I’ve learned to trust my own self and if my own experience does not collide with what others say or teach, I do accept my own vision, solution and attitude. If people had never questioned their actual conditions, and had accepted their limits in the past, we would still be living in caves, hunt for mammoths and buffalos.
So I did not accept these healing websites fully, I believed that this can be done in other ways too, where all those bothering and hurtful details could be eliminated.
I have adjusted my terminology, my view on the abuser and the abused, my own style of writing and way of thinking, my attitude towards healing and my idea of the healing process in order to create a method that – I believe – is very helpful and effective.
Let’s see the major differences.
Difference No. 1: victim, survivor, narcissist.
I make difference between three groups of people, victims, survivors and thrivers. These come right after each other, exactly in this order. Reading pages that deal with narcissistic abuse and the healing therapy, brought me back sometimes from the status of survivor to the status of victim. This is definitely one thing that I will not do. This page has the intention to bring the survivor to thriver status, giving all focus and support to her.
Victims cannot heal, they have to leave their victim mentality first to become survivors. They have a negative vision of their own situation and they are stoned to it. What Wikipedia says about victim mentality is absolutely correct in this case: “Failing or being unwilling to take responsibility for one’s own actions or actions to which one has contributed or for taking action to ameliorate the situation.”
Survivors live in a state which is suitable temporarily, but never permanently. Thriving is the ultimate state where the former victims can lead their lives absolutely free from their former memories of abuse, they have no anger and blame towards the abuser, they can place themselves out of narcissistic cycles.
Let’s see what the dictionary says about these three terms.
Victim: a person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency.
Survivor: a person who continues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks.
Thriver: to prosper; be fortunate or successful.
Victims define themselves to be sufferers, it is a negative state. Survivors position themselves to be in a state where the negative situations are already behind them. Thrivers position themselves in a state where they prosper. According to the law of attraction, what you call yourself you’ll become. Please consider this when you refer to yourself. Victims attract deceit, cheating, ignorance, dishonesty into their lives. Survivors attract moderate prosperity but also hardship and setbacks. Thrivers attract fortune and success. The survivor state is where you need the most support and motivation to go over. This is the state where you have successes but setbacks also. This is why this state is only for temporary stay and not forever. It is balancing between falling back to the past or moving forward into the future. And this is why I’m here, to motivate and support you, give you all the help you need to become a thriver.
How do you know that you are already in the survivor state? If I say that the narcissist is also a victim and you go crazy mad, then you still have a lot of anger in yourself, you cannot focus your healing powers on yourself and you waste your energy on being in the past, being angry, throwing rocks at your abuser and might consider taking revenge on him. Then you are still in the victim state.
If you can manage to turn into yourself every time when you feel sad about your past, and you try to comfort yourself, try to bring yourself peace and support yourself by giving all attention to yourself and your healing, you successfully orientate yourself inwards, placing the abuser outside of your world. And when you wake up from this cocoon state, you feel stronger and balanced, you are in the survivor state. Here you can have setbacks, some time in the cocoon is heavier and lasts longer, do not be hard on yourself. You are doing an amazing journey that needs time to be skilled! When you no longer need the protection of your cocoon because you are no longer interested in your past, you begin to thrive.
Let’s check the term narcissist: personality disorder characterized by self-preoccupation, need for admiration, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem. It reveals someone, who needs attention at the expense of others, in order to cover his insecurity and low self-esteem. Someone who becomes the victim of a narcissist does the same, but to her own Self. A victim gives no attention to her Self, but ready to give attention to others, at the expense of her Self. The victim has no strong connection to her Self, so she is insecure, with low self-esteem. Someone who becomes the victim of a narcissist is a narcissist to her own Self.
People are not narcissists or victims, but people with narcissistic traits.
Difference No. 2: the abuser is not a monster
When I read some books, articles, blogposts on narcissism, I really hate to bump into negative attributives referring to the narcissist. They are called as evil, monster, vampire, sadist, predator, asshole with no soul, narcissist worm, belly flopping mud rolling pig, life sucking energy draining negative bags of annoying hell, beautifully wrapped boxes of shit, sociopath – however not all of them are sociopaths – and many, many more.
What they emotionally do is unacceptable, I agree. They ruin people emotionally, I agree.
However they are people too and expressing such negative feelings just proves that those who use these expressions are still chained to their past, they are still victims of their abuse, they are not ready to heal. Besides this is verbal abuse, in this way the victim becomes the abuser. Acting roughly, badly and hideously towards anyone is a proof of having narcissistic traits.
I’m not gonna help to deepen the differences between victim and narcissist on these pages, as there are more similarities between them than differences. Someone who calls others names behaves badly either, so she becomes a verbal abuser. We are all people with our own insecurities and faults, our only and exclusive duty is to fix ourselves, if we decide to do so. Everybody should be interested in her own healing, instead of judging others, and calling them names.
Besides calling the narcissist for example a monster or evil does not help the survivor to heal. It will play tricks with her mind, making her believe that she is really facing a monster! A monster is a huge, scary, wild thing, she will associate the abuser with this. She will be even more scared by the power of the words. Words have power, we have to handle them carefully. If we say the narcissist is an evil monster, he will be one.
Difference No. 3: You are here to heal, all the rest does not matter
I do not agree with the teachings and statements of classical emotional narcissism, and these pages will not help anyone to make difference between narcissist and victim either. However if someone wants to know anything about narcissistic abuse, she can find it easily on the Internet. Hundreds of pages are about this topic, anyone can grow into an expert easily.
I believe that after leaving the victim status, when people realize their own responsibility in their own story, all attention, focus and energy should flow to the survivor herself and the healing process. I don’t care what the narcissist thinks, what he does, how he feels, that’s not my business anymore. I turn inwards, orientate myself inside and give myself all attention that I gave him earlier. It is all my benefit, even thinking about how he is doing, what is he thinking, how he is feeling is wasting my own energy that I could use for my own healing. Websites that talk more about the narcissist and narcissism than the healer and healing, do not help to bring the healer closer to the thirver state. If the website helps you to hate the narcissists it does not help to learn to love yourself, that site will not help you. It will feed your anger and hatred, so you will have no room left for love for yourself.
You must be in focus, this is your healing and it’s not about your past anymore. On a healing site the main purpose is to deal with the survivor and not with the abuser. Our time is precious, so we have to make the choice: we try to figure out what the abuser is doing and thinking, or we turn our attention away from him, put ourselves into the focus and heal.
Referring to difference no. 2 and 3 together: I call the narcissist as narcissist or abuser. I separate myself from him emotionally, giving myself freedom from him. I do not allow him to make such a huge impact on me to give him names. I do not give energy to him. I orientate myself inside of my own character, and give this precious energy to myself to heal.
Difference No. 4: classical narcissism? I don’t think so
This site and my method is for everyone who wants to heal from emotional (self)abuse, no matter if they are called as narcissists or victims. I’m not gonna help to reinforce the victim’s feelings of her own victim status by confirming her exclusive goodness. And also I’m not gonna help to make the contradictions deeper between narcissists and victims. By making the narcissist look like evil does not contribute to the healing, and blurs the responsibility of the victim. We do not heal at the expense of others, but for our own benefit. Every person who enters our lives brings us a message about ourselves, we realize it or not, we like it or not. A narcissistic partner brings a very significant message on our relationships to our Selves. As Jung declares: “everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
I do not believe in classical emotional narcissism which is commonly spread and taught, because it says that narcissists have to be banished, and victims should be helped. It suggests that narcissists are all bad and victims are all good. It’s not true. Narcissists and victims are both people with wounds, they have the same dysfunctional childhood that determines their current behavior. In one relationship they act as the dominant, in the other they act as the victim. They are both victims and as such, they can heal.
I don’t like the term narcissist at all, because it has become a fashionable curse. I believe that people have narcissistic traits, some have more, some have less, but at certain moments in their lives they can act like narcissists. Do you prone to speeding? Oh well, if so, do you think you are above the law? Narcissists do.
Emotionally abusive narcissism has certain dynamics, both parties who enter this, have a lot in common. According to the law of attraction, we attract what we have inside. If you have a narcissist on the outside, you must be having one inside either. You might be screaming right now saying: no way, I’m not a narcissist! If you stay in an abusive relationship it means that you still love the abuser more than your own Self. And this is self-abuse. Now, here is the inner narcissist, you’ve just caught it.
People do not like to be called as narcissists, as it is very offensive nowadays. However someone who runs negative self-talk, does not support, encourage and nurture herself is treating herself poorly. Just like a narcissist. A self-narcissist.
Try to cut with the negative and hurt feeling what this statement brings you, because you do not need to fight the narcissist on the outside, but learn to love the narcissist inside. And by loving the inner narcissist, it will lose its power and will make friends to you. If you can work up the shock of being a self-narcissist, you can embrace this and you will understand that you have to work on your relationship between you and your own Self. Self love is the most amazing medicine, which is available 24/7 for free. When you begin to love your Self, you will not waste your time loving those who try to abuse you. You will not even get in touch with them.
The common traits of both narcissists and victims are: they are both victims of dysfunctional parenting and childhood, both put the blame on others for their situations (victim mentality), they both hide the truth from themselves. They both believe that they are the good one in the story, and the other one HAS TO CHANGE, to fit in their lives. They both have poor relationships to their Selves, they do not like to be alone, as they receive their worthiness, acknowledgment and definition from the other. They tend to wear the mask of mature and secure persons, but in real life mature and secure people rarely enter relationships where they abuse and counter-abuse each other, but definitely they do not stay in there. They both have the idea that they always know it better. The Fake Self of the narcissist is designed to be perfect, his idea of being infallible comes from here. At the same time the victim is convinced that she is the only one who can fix the narcissist, she knows it best, she is the special one who is better than the rest. Yes, it’s also a narcissistic trait.
Difference No. 5: narcissists cannot heal
I do not see narcissists and victims, I see people who want to heal, who want to come close and make friends to their Selves, and nurture their Selves. People become healers or don’t, that’s their own choice, regardless of being called as a victim or a narcissist.
Pages like to suggest that narcissists cannot heal, but I see it in a different way. If the victim can heal from the listed “symptoms” under nr. 4, then the narcissist can heal from them either, because the reasons of his behavior are the same. And the same way as not all victims want to heal, not all narcissists want to stay wounded. Their common obstacle is victim mentality and anyone can heal who can drop down this mentality, where he thinks that everything is other’s fault, and also get rid of his idea of his being perfect. Someone who can build an honest, loving and respectful relationship to his Self, that person can definitely heal. Someone who takes responsibility for his own behavior and mindset, someone who can put down his mask and make friends with his True Self can do that. And this goes for either narcissists or victims. Most victims have the “loving and caring mask” where they love and care about others at their own expenses. When they begin to love and care for their own benefit, they will no longer fall as victims. Anyone has the chance to build a loving, caring, honest and respectful relationship with his True Self, so narcissists either, but that’s their duty and only their own duty. Fixing others is not our duty, but fixing our relationship to our Selves. This website is for all those, who want to make friends to their Selves, cuddle up with them tightly. For those who want to make loving, caring, supporting, accepting and trusting relationship to themselves. Regardless of being called as victim or narcissist.
No one has authority to declare if others can heal from their emotional wounds or not. It always depends on the will of the certain person.
As I have already stated: I don’t like to call people as narcissist or victim, but because this is the common terminology, and in order to be understood well, I will use these terms. However I will try to reduce their use to the minimum and find new ways to express myself.
Difference No. 6: healing from narcissistic abuse is not necessarily and exclusively hard, with a lot of tears and pain
I really do not like those pages that project hardship, difficulties, pain and suffering ahead. They already give the healer an idea that misery is necessary. That is their limiting belief, but you do not need to accept it.
When a page uses expressions as horrendous, terrible, terrifying, awful, horrible, horrific, that gives really a horrifying taste of the healing, however it is not necessarily deep suffering, and does not necessarily last a long time. I always ask people to question what they hear, even what they see. What is horrendous to someone is not automatically horrendous to everybody. If healing lasts years to someone it does not mean that it will last for years for everyone. The outcome depends always on you. If you shake these limiting attributives off, orientate yourself inside and dedicate your time to yourself, you will heal unbelievably fast. Do not believe everything what is said, trust yourself and believe that you have already everything inside to heal.
I tell you, that for me the whole healing, from realizing my own victim mentality to the status of spiritual thriving, took four months, however I had been abused by more people on different levels at the same time, and I’m coming from a narcissistic family, where narcissism and victimhood are the legacies of the children, and I had been abused even before I was born.
Do not compare yourself and your journey of healing to others, dedicate your time to yourself. It does not matter if it was horrendous to someone and lasted for decades, these are her memories and time here is just a number.
Difference No. 7: you do not necessarily need a therapist
But if it helps then you better follow his instructions. It is up to you which method, therapy helps you, which one is close to you and into which you put your faith. Anybody who chooses to help people to heal their emotional wounds should primarily focus on your healing and on you, it’s up to you which one you feel useful and suitable.
In my opinion, a bunch of people who try to recover from emotionally abusive narcissistic relationships and friendships, do not necessarily need a therapist. It depends on the form and degree of the abuse of course, because some of them caused so deep traumatic wounds that the victim cannot heal herself, even by reading helping sites.
In my opinion people who were raised to be victims and have victim mentality, they are able to heal themselves, with sites like this. Victim mentality is a learned and developed (by narcissists also), it is not inborn (Wikipedia – victim mentality) and as such, it can be unlearned too. With a good method, with the suitable words and thoughts, with very good communicative skills and strong ability to transfer the knowledge, a teacher, a coach, a mentor is absolutely the perfect person to help to unlearn the victim mentality. Teachers help to learn, in this way they help to unlearn, or rather replace old ways of thinking, traditional patterns of behavior, and developed, but harmful self images.
Difference No. 8: it is not necessarily difficult or extremely complicated
I agree with Einstein: “If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well.”
People with victim mentality run the same tracks: low self-confidence and self-esteem, focus is on the outside, no or limited amount of self-love, self-trust, self-respect and self-acceptance. They have no or limited connection to their selves. If you read this list, you will come to realize that it’s probably about you.
A site should not be exaggerated with very long blogspots and an overwhelming amount of information, but clear, understandable and easy to use. Otherwise you might get tired of reading for hours but not getting to the point.
However I regularly explain the same things several times, again and again, with different words, with different examples and similes, because our perception is also different. We all have different ways of thinking, we are wired to percept things with different speed and degree. If you understand something absolutely clearly for the first time, that does not mean that everybody else does that. Some might need one more example or another simile. I’m a teacher with a teacher’s mindset, I was trained to transfer the usable information into the heads, this is why I repeat all over again.
Difference No. 9: I’m not gonna be your mother, nor hold your hand ’till the end of times
This is simple development, the child becomes an adult and makes her own decisions over her life. We are all born into codependent relationships to our parents, and owning to their guiding way of parenting, their care over our healthy emotional upbringing, their accepting, supporting and confirming attitude towards the development of our personalities, in which they helped us to cuddle up with our Selves, we have grown over the codependency, we have become mature and responsible adults who can exist alone. As a result of normal development, the person is taught and supported to function alone, if not, that is the case of codependency. In this case you received the opposite upbringing that was listed above. Both narcissists and victims – another common trait. On this website I put all my skills to help you cut with the codependent way of thinking, help you to finally grow up into someone who is responsible for her deeds, life and choices, who can live better alone than in an abusive relationship, and encourage you to fix and finish your own parenting with my unique method.
The essence of my method is that once you master it, you can use it for the rest of your life. If you must keep going back to a website, to a method or therapy for further help, you will be in a codependent relationship again, because the aim of the healing is to stand on your own. If you rely on the therapy and therapist always, you started – again – a new codependent relationship, this time with your therapist, and you pay for it. It’s like leaving your parents’ home one day. You have to leave the survivor state also and never go back.
I want to give you a method that derives from you, you create it according to your own taste. Anytime you feel the need of a little comfort, you can reach to your creation and use it. The healing power represents you, in this way you heal yourself and you will come to realize what amazing powers you have inside. You begin to love, trust, respect and accept yourself.