What has changed in the last 7 years of my life? I was thinking on this idea that was planted in my mind through two sources. First of all I have found numerous quotes about time and change on the Internet. I have chosen this one from C. S. Lewis.
And this is absolutely true. If you look back at tomorrow, or last week, or maybe last month, you will less likely to recognize the huge changes of your life, however there might have been big changes, and maybe not only a few, but maybe many. The closer you look, the less change you might see, but the greater distance shows you the big changes.
And secondly I’m still busy with Dr. Wayne W. Dyer‘s book: Wishes Fulfilled, where he writes about change. He says that even if our body changes from being a baby to become an elderly, our outer cover – body – contains the same spirit all the way through. After every seven years, we have not one cell in our body that has been there seven years before. After every seven years our collection of cells replace themselves totally and aboslutely.
My mind was running on this idea, which is absolutely a brilliant approach to explain change, but I went further, I started overthinking it.
Seven years do not seem too long (regarding an average lifetime) but it is long enough if we have to wait to manifest our dreams. I wanted to get closer to this 7-year thing, I wanted to see its power an its promise. Then I decided to collect all the significant changes of my own life in the last 7 years. I’ll follow chronological order, but also significance matters when listing the happenings.
First significant change in my life was that I got married. After 9 years of living together in a relationship, and after our two daughters had been born, he proposed me, and after 6 months of the proposal we were married. I was second guessing my decision, as two days before the marriage I was not sure that I was doing the right thing. But everything happens for a reason, later in my life it turned out that getting married at that moment of my life had advantages and disadvantages either, and these brought me many lessons to learn.
The same year of my marriage I moved to another country with my family (husband and daughters) 1600 km far from my hometown. I did not know it back then that this was an escape. I had wanted to move years before the actual moving, but I did not listen to my intuition good enough. And again, this had its lessons for me either. Since I learnt that following intuition is much more important than I had thought that before. I came here with my family, and here I literally gave birth to myself. More about this a little later.
By moving to another country I lost my job. In the new country I did not try to find a job, because I did not speak the language of the country, so I became a cleaning lady. As a person with college degree, and with years of work experience in another country, it was a huge decrease, but – again – this brought me many life lessons either. Back then I did not bother that I was literally raping my knowledge, my work experience and myself by doing that job. I was focusing on getting by without a hitch, replacing myself, my relationship to my Self behind other things and other people.
After 2 years of moving my husband died. This was the most significant change of my life so far. I have become a widow with 2 children under the age of 10, in a country which language I did not speak, far away from my whole family. This experience made a fatal break on my weak and dysfunctional personality, and slowly, like a shipwreck goes under water, I lost that self. Back then I did not know that that was maybe less painful than the search for my real Self.
After this I had two serious narcissistic relationships and a friendship at the same time, and all these experiences brought me further away from my Self.
In the meantime my kids went to school, I had a surgery, I’ve learnt a language, I lost and took on habits that were meant to keep me healthy. I had 5 tattoos of which one has been already removed and one is going to be covered soon. I have gained and lost people from my life, and four of my dear clients passed away.
The last 7 years of my life have brought me a lot of experience, and on purpose I don’t write good or bad. Experience is just experience, only the person labels it as good or bad, and by doing so, she begins to love it or hate it. However experience is neutral.
All these happenings, listed above, are what you can see on the surface. Now let’s see what I know, which is under the surface, all the things that I HAVE LEARNT from these experiences.
In the past 7 year I went down to the bottom of my emotional hell. I’ve been burnt in the purgatory, and came out as the true version of myself. All I did before the purgatory was my fault, even when I let others push me down towards the bottom of my hell. And all I did was that I DID NOT RESIST to go through the purgatory, I did not try to climb backwards, I did not try to get a good grip to avoid slipping through the fire. It hurt because I faced all my responsibilities, mistakes and lies I had told myself, but when I was out on the other side, I promised myself that I was going to nurture myself every time when it’s needed.
I’ve learnt that I’m not going to be destroyed by what I expected to be deadly, and that made me confident. When you expect something to kill you, but finally it doesn’t, you realize that it’s not so easy to demolish you, and you become confident. I survived what I had been thinking to be annihilating. First I felt strong, but that’s a false feeling, about this, I’ll write another time.
In the beginning it was hard to stay alone, because I had been used to live in codependent relationships. I gained my worth and value from others, I had defined myself through others. I attracted seriously emotionally abusive relationships and friendships, and I learnt that I needed to change.
I have found that I need to love and accept myself, otherwise I let others treat me the way I treat myself. It was hard, because I had to fight with 38 years of codependency, those conditions that I was brought up in, conditioned to, be comfortable with. But I’ve won this round too, I’m never lonely, regardless of having a partner or not. I’ve learnt to love, accept and nurture myself, and the drama and toxins of others do not reach me. My own love for my Self saves me and heals me.
I’ve learnt that I’m at home where I love myself, and that place is my body in the right here and right now. I was born in a middle European country, and currently I live in the Netherlands. When I arrived here I did not know that I had been escaping. I was looking for a place where I could prepare myself. I needed peace to do what I wanted to do, however that time I did it unconsciously. In this peaceful loneliness, far away from the crowd, family, relationships, after a couple years of labor I gave birth to myself. The Netherlands has become the birthplace of my second birth, this was the reason that urged me here, unconsciously.
If one day I leave the Netherlands behind, I will definitely feel homesick, that I never felt for my physical birthplace. It doesn’t matter where we were born in reality, we feel ourselves at home where we become one with our selves. And this place has nothing to do with geography. I’m always at home, anywhere with anyone (or without) if I’m in love with my Self.
I’ve become the mother of my own true self, and I’ve created my I-MOM who loved, accepted and nurtured me until adulthood. I’ve become a responsible person and I’m no longer a victim. I’m no longer negative and pessimistic, I trust my own power and I have faith in myself. My own power comes from my own love towards my Self, and this is something that I generate myself, so it’s always available, does not depend on the mood, reasons, intentions of others. My own love towards my Self powers me.
I have learnt to close other people’s toxins and negativity out of my life without closing the persons themselves out either. Sometimes the closing out is also necessary, when the common road is not leading anywhere, or when you get very high dose of emotional poison regularly, and the person just does not show any signs of doing it another way. But I’ve learnt that when I’m in love with myself, that saves me from malicious, invidious and humiliating attempts of others. These just do not reach me anymore, so the person itself has no impact on me.
I’ve learnt that I can decide what I want to do and with whom. I do not have to follow tradition or instruction, just intuition. I have the right to say no, when I feel it right, or yes, when I feel that right. I should not make a report over my life to anyone, if it feels good to me and it does not offend anyone or anyone’s rights. If I feel right, I’m on the right track, if not, I need to revise and review my thoughts, because they cause the trouble in the system, and my feelings only follow the thoughts.
I’ve realized that it’s much easier to understand life if you think about it as a school, regard the situations as the lessons, and the people who show up are the teachers. Everyone who appears brings you an important life lesson to learn. And if you don’t learn the lesson, you cannot make the final exam, you’ll need to repeat the subject and the class.
I’ve met a lot of people who taught me different lessons, but I’ve lost a lot of people either, who taught me lessons simply by losing them. I’ve learnt to let go of people and feelings I’ve attached to them. I’ve learnt to give myself the power over my life, and do not place it into other people’s hands anymore. Through the situations and teachers I’ve learnt to let go of labels, conditions, habits and roles that had defined me earlier, and that were given by other people.
I’ve learnt to let go of negative mindset in order to be able to create a positive life. I was able to let go of victim mentality that poisoned my power and my relationship towards my Self, taking away the guidance from my own, personal compass, giving it to others.
I’ve learnt that I can never learn enough, as I’m never ready, finished or completed. As I’m heading towards new goals, new life happenings, I’ll invite my new teachers and subjects, and I make the best for myself if I never resist the new lessons. I’ve accepted that at every moment of my life my new lesson can pop up, and this means all the rest of my life, all days included.
I’ve learnt that in my next 7 years my life will change again. Some things will vanish for ever, some things will show up. I’ll meet and lose people. I’ll dig deeper in my own relationship to my Self, and when I will look back after 7 years, I will be able to increase the amount of the learnt lessons above.
I’ve learnt that all the events of the last 7 years – and all the events of my life – have lead me to have these lessons and offer me the possibility to learn them. I’ve learnt that nothing happened without a reason or accidentally. All happenings of my life were and are needed to guide me.
It’s true, if you make some steps further away from your current situation, in this case 7 years, you will have a much greater vision of your life. You’ll be able to see how far you have come, regardless of your present situation, and you will understand that what you have right now, and who you are right now is not the final destination, only a small piece of the road.