In this series I write about my daughter and her inner struggle. She is about to build a mask to defend herself from reality, but her Self and I together are fighting for her to show her that she shouldn’t hide behind a narcissistic mask, she better be who she is.
You can read the first post here.
All the major happenings of my daughter’s life have brought her insecurity and emotional pain. This resulted in her belief system that is anything but not comfortable and happy.
ONE: she believes that the world is a cruel place where everything changes and she can’t catch up. She hates changes because they might bring unexpected results and happenings. She wants to be ready for everything, and the easiest way is to stop the world and prevent it from producing new happenings.
Narcissistic feature: I want to change my surroundings – including people – to fit into my comfort zone. I want to stop the world if it threatens me.
TWO: leaning back and relaxing is not an option, she has to be ready for an attack. If she is attacked however she rarely fights back. But still she expects attacks, her existence is threatened always.
Narcissistic feature: I’m ready to defend myself, even if I have to fight. I fight roughly and offensively if I am forced to.
THREE: she thinks that people are watching and waiting for her to make a mistake, then they laugh at her. She accepts the judgement and opinion of others like the Scripture. She puts others first, they opinion matters and she wants to fit into the picture others framed around her. She also wants to be perfect, as for her everybody is perfect. A mistake equals to total failure.
Narcissistic feature: people are watching me and want to know everything about me. I have to paint a desirable and successful picture of myself. Failure is humiliating, so if I fail, I will not admit it, I will alter it, and I will project it on others.
FOUR: initiating new things is just the proof of being useless and lame. I remember her standing on the side of the swimming pool for the first time, and she was crying. I asked her why she was crying and she replied: Mom! I can’t get my swimming diploma today! Nobody has ever asked this from her, that was the very first swimming lesson, and she hadn’t even been in the water yet. 1,5 years has passed and she is still busy with the lessons. New things scare her, because she regards them as the automatic proof of her incompetence. However she has wishes and dreams, so this causes a constant inner struggle.
Narcissistic feature: I want to be the best, I am not designed to fail. I better walk the known road and prevent myself from failure.
FIVE: she is afraid to die, she is afraid to be killed, she is afraid of the act of dying itself. She wants to OWN her life and regard when to die – possibly never. She is a control freak basically.
Narcissistic feature: this one is probably the most obvious up to this point. Narcissists are called to be control freaks, when they want to supervise and oversee everything in their lives, in the lives of their families, friends and relatives, colleagues and business partners. The wish to control the time and date of your death goes beyond all control. This wish basically lifts them up into godlike heights, into the masters of life and death.
SIX: she doesn’t trust people. She is afraid to be mislead, cheated on and manipulated to be bad and do something bad. She has friends and she loves them, but she cannot trust them fully.
Narcissistic feature: the fear of being mislead and cheated on is a combination of other points above. But the fact that she is afraid that others will manipulate her to become bad is the refusal of her own responsibility. Narcissists don’t take responsibility for their actions, they find others responsible if something went wrong.
SEVEN: she thinks that it’s a huge crime to go against others, because she might hurt them, and others will be angry at her and punish her. She hates to be punished, because that feels bad.
It’s a contradiction already! If she is punished, she feels sad, however that is her proclaimed comfort zone.
Narcissistic feature: narcissistic people want to shine in the role of perfection. If they are punished they lose their shine. That cannot happen.
The fear based life
All seven points are fear based, when she is afraid that something will happen, or won’t. Fear has become her second nature, and if things go untreated, she will become a serious narcissist, a self-abuser. And someone who abuses herself, that person abuses her surroundings either.
She can’t accept herself, she can’t accept life, she doesn’t love herself and life neither. She is preventing herself from happiness, she doesn’t think she deserves it. She feels remorse and she can’t forgive herself.
She has no inner peace, she has only inner tension, where her ego and her Self claim her to be their own territory. The ego is the fear factory, it makes her think and feel all the seven points above.
The Self is the love, which tries to grab her attention to begin to love herself and the world around her.
As these two powers go against each other, they make her suffer from the huge tension they cause her.
She thinks right now that peace comes when the world changes. So she wants to change the world and the people in it to stop being threatened by them and to find relief. She does not know it yet that peace comes from within. And she is not the only one with this thought. Millions of people still believe that they will find peace on the outside first, and that will give them inner rest.
It’s a mistake to believe that if our surroundings change we can find peace. Peace is an inner job, and the inner result brings the outer results alive.
She has to find her love for herself and accept herself for who she is. When she understands that she can’t change people (because that’s narcissistic) she will realize that the only way is to change herself.
Her own love and acceptance for herself will give her relief and peace, and when she lives in inner peace, love and acceptance, she will not feel the need to change others. In fact, she will see it clearly, how people abuse themselves with their loveless lives where they don’t accept themselves.
Is she unique with her fear based life?
No, she isn’t. She might be unique because she is ready to talk about it and ready to ask for help.
People live fear based lives, and as they read through the seven points, they might realize, “oh, I’m afraid of this also – maybe not so hard, but I am” or “oh yes, I am afraid to start my dream business, I don’t want to fail, you know” or “I don’t try ice skating because I’m afraid to get hurt“.
You can ask the question now: am I narcissistic? Am I a self abuser?
then my answer is yes, you are.
Fear is generated by our ego, if we feel fear of something, it means that our ego is busy. A fear based life is an egoistic life, and what they say about narcissists? They are egoistic. They are captured by the fear of their egos, so they manipulate their lives and the life of others.
It means that the population of this world is pretty narcissistic. It’s not only a tribe of energy sucking, manipulating, awful assholes – usual description of a narcissist – but anyone who lives in fear instead of love.
To be continued!