How do you realize that you are raising a narcissist? How can you help the best to turn this procedure back? What are the signs? What is narcissism? What is the difference between the narcissistic behavior of adults and children?
In this series, which is going to be written about my daughter and the experiences I have in my life, I intend to show you what narcissism is in fact, how it develops, what you can do when you realize that your child is growing up to be a narcissist, and how you can handle grown-up narcissists.
Narcissism is a widely misunderstood phenomenon, and this doesn’t seem to be changing currently. However this is the reason why it’s impossible to heal after being involved in a narcissistic relationship, because you can heal only what you know. Even they say that narcissists can not heal. That’s not true, just because they don’t even know who narcissists are.
I’m afraid to be happy – said my daughter while hysterically crying one evening. That means that you are sad and you want to be sad either – I answered to her. She was crying hard about life. She is 8.
She complained why everything always changes and things just always get harder. I liked group 1 and 2, then group 3 was awful and group 4 was even worse. Now I’m scared of group 5 – she said. Why – I asked. I’m afraid that my classmates distract my attention and I get punished – she answered.
For me this last sentence already shows the core and essence of narcissism, but for you maybe its only a simple and understandable worry.
I was thinking a bit, pulled my knowledge and experiences together about her and I said: I think you are afraid of six things. Do you want to hear them? She nodded.
ONE: you hurt someone and they become angry at you. And you don’t want to be the bad girl.
TWO: you make mistakes and they will laugh at you.
THREE: you think you are not as good as they are so they think you are useless.
FOUR: you get scared when you realize that you are happy, so you quickly ruin your mood.
FIVE: you don’t know what comes next and you can’t catch up with it.
SIX: you are going to die, (and it will hurt).
She looked at me with huge eyes. She did not believe that I could paraphrase what was running in her mind. She had no idea that other people can have the same thoughts that she had. She couldn’t believe that I stayed calm and understood and accepted her with all these guilty thoughts.
Yes, I’m afraid of them all – she said.
I knew it – I replied.
She has come a long way. Her present state of low self confidence and the rejection of life is the result of what she has been through in her eight years of existence.
It began when we moved to one country to another, when she was only two years old. She needed to learn a new language – however she wasn’t even speaking her mother tongue properly.
After two years of this move, her father died. Our daughters went to school like on any other regular day, but when they came home, dad was gone forever.
Later came 2,5 years of speech therapy in order to help improve her language skills.
Then one year of special language school for the same reason.
She worked with a social worker for one year to let go of her worries.
Then she had 15 EMDR treatment to dissolve her fears and anxiety.
She thinks and feels herself to be less good as anyone else, as she needs so many “fixings”. She is on the way of becoming a narcissist, a serious self-abuser.
That particular night’s happenings showed me that very soon she will hit rock bottom emotionally, and that means that I have to be ready for her. If I’m not, she will build a mask. She will design herself a new – desirable – personality, and she will lock herself up there like a modern day Rapunzel.
It’s not yet happened, because she is willing to talk about her emotional hell. As long as she is open to talk to me about her pain, she has good chances that she can heal, and she accepts herself and the world around her.
Her fears and anxiety is a cry for help. As long as she is willing and able to vocalize them, she gives me the opportunity to help her. If I ignore her and let her face them, she will not be able to process her fears and she will hide them under a mask.
This is how narcissists are made.
– one child
– a large bag of dysfunctional family background
– 2 tbsp of parents that have personal issues and emotional shortage
– family drama – according to taste
– tragedy – optional
– 10 tbsp of great expectations
– 3 tbsp of ignorance
– a pinch of atopic syndrome – hypersensitivity
Put the ingredients in a big bowl, mix well and wait. Till the end of times.
If the mixture has problems, emotional issues, her need to talk emerges, develops behavioral problems, you are on the right path, you are raising a narcissist. Try to prevent yourself from reacting on them meaningfully, the best if you have no idea what to do, so you treat only the effects but never touch the reasons and causes.
You might be terrified while reading this – what a cruelty. It is.
You might be able to bring up issues when you needed emotional help but it didn’t arrive, or arrived in a way that did not help, but caused more trouble. Parents are not necessarily so cruel that they cause these on purpose. When they have no emotional tools to help their kids, as they don’t know anything about emotions themselves, it’s hard to help properly.
I remember myself how dumb I was when my husband died. The robot pilot took control over my life, I did not know anything about myself for weeks. Even if I had two little kids around me and they needed emotional help, I was not available. I was there only physically, but my mind was dumb, it was busy with blocking my pain, and with that, it blocked the outer world totally.
I hit the bottom of my emotional hell at the age of 38. My daughter is about to hit it at the age of 8. 30 years of difference! She has already experienced so much that she has reached the bottom of her pitch.
But I’m here, and now I know what I should do. When she will be over with this, she will love herself and accept herself for who she is. She will love to live and she will learn to nurture herself under all circumstances. That’s gonna be a long ride, because her ego has already taken control over her, and it forces her to keep herself in sadness and pain, as that has become her comfort zone.
I’m on the other side, with my full love and understanding, acceptance and emotional care. And I’m committed to win my daughter back from her ego.
To be continued!