To abuse others is not so difficult and obvious as we think, however only by seeing them vulnerable creates the occasion to abuse them. My strange dream yesterday has opened my eyes how easy it is to abuse those who we think to be weaker than us.
In my dream I was a teenager, 14-15 years old. I attended a class with many other students, but the figures of two boys were important in this story.
I obviously liked both of them, but I had different feelings towards them. One of them was the figure of a friend, while the other one was my crush. On the other hand I was not his crush, at least I didn’t know about it, as I have never told my feelings for him.
The outlook of my friend was absolutely not significant in my eyes, he was a friend, only a friend with whom I made jokes. We were chatting and my crush was around too.
My friend approached me with some questions, he seemed to have girl-issues and he needed my opinion and help. He asked about girls, asked how he should get in contact with them, what they liked and what they didn’t. He was looking at me with huge concentration, like a kitchen towel, he swallowed my words.
I answered his questions with patience, with care and respect. I gave him my best opinion, and my intention was to help him seriously. I respected his honesty and openness, and I took care of his feelings while answering his questions.
My crush was standing there, listening at me either, so it was not only taking care of my friend, but also a show to amuse him with how generous and caring I was. He did not tell anything, just listened.
My friend thanked me for my opinion and said that he wanted to invite his crush on a date for that night. My crush suddenly said: “don’t you think you idiot that you’d better get dressed for that, or you wanna ask her out in this doormat you are wearing?!” – and he began to laugh.
I began to laugh either. It just happened to laugh with him on the used clothes of my friend, who nodded seriously: “you’re right, I’m gonna change right now.” He seemed to be so serious, it was clear for me that he had been planning this for so long.
When he came back, he stood in front of me and asked me to go on a date!
He was dressed up in a way he thought to be nice and cool, his hair was done in a style he was not used to. It looked weird and unusual, just because he had never had such hairdo before. He was unusual after all, with his seriously pale face, his parched lips, with standing from one foot and on the other, not being able to find a comfortable position.
He was waiting for my answer, feeling very uncomfortable, however with hope and with begging in his eyes.
I was looking at him with a slight disgust and confusion in mine. I could say nothing.
My crush however had found his voice and began to laugh at my friend heavily. He said: “you wanna take her out in these rags? Are these your best clothes? What happened to your hair?! What had you been thinking about yourself at all?!”
I felt uncomfortable, but I started laughing either. I told my friend that he should have washed his face before he dressed up, as I could guess his lunch by the stains by the side of his mouth.
He was looking at me with huge eyes, he said nothing, his shoulders dropped low and he pulled his neck between his shoulders.
This is a dream, but it shows verbal and emotional abuse clearly.
I was not brave and courageous enough to let my crush know that I was in love with him, so my love life was going nowhere. I was not ready to become vulnerable.
My friend was ready to become vulnerable and he obviously dared to ask his crush on a date.
I know that everything would happened differently if my crush wasn’t there. I was playing the cool girl, the boss, but if my crush wouldn’t be there, I simply had told my friend that I was in love with someone else and that I was not about to go out with him. I would have been polite, understanding, caring and friendly.
But I wanted to impress my crush, who was on the other hand rude and abusive, so I became rude and abusive either. I did not deal with the feelings of my friend, I was dealing with impressing my crush, by acting like someone I though he might have liked and found attractive. Someone like he showed himself to be.
If people become vulnerable like my dream-friend, they reveal that part of themselves which might make them weak in other people’s eyes. My friend had become weak, he had become the target of our abuse just by being honest.
Vulnerability can invite abuse.
In my dream I turned from a good and caring friend into an abusive person, I abused that person who I thought to be weaker than I was. He admitted only his feelings, he revealed how he felt towards me and that was enough reason to me to become the ruler, the boss.
And this is what we don’t dare to do, to admit our feelings to even ourselves, because we think that we become weak and abused. Sometimes when we still admit our true feelings to ourselves, we don’t go further, because we think that if we let the other one know how we feel, we get abused.
However by not being true to ourselves means that we already abuse ourselves by living and keeping ourselves in lies. Not tellin the truth and living by lies are both abuse. And when we abuse ourselves it means that we torture ourselves.
And when we torture ourselves it happens because we DON’T KNOW how to nurture ourselves. We would definitely choose nurture over torture if we would be able to do that.
And the reason why we don’t admit our feelings to others is that we know that when we are refused, we are not able to nurture ourselves. We know it for sure that we will be broken to the bone, and we would be no useful in our own nurture. So we keep abusing ourselves with lies.
My dream-friend – I can only guess of course – is only a used-to-be friend for me. He is disappointed in my behavior and character, and it’s understandable. He might be broken to the bone, but I think as he was ready to be vulnerable, to face with a possible refusal, he was also ready to nurture himself.
In this whole story, only he won.
He won by losing my fake friendship. No fake relationship or possible fake marriage has ever developed from the fake friendship, and he was given the opportunity to nurture himself, and find a true partner.
I lost the possibility to stay true to a friend, and I also became untrue to myself. I failed to become vulnerable, I played a role that was uncomfortable for me. I haven’t learned to become vulnerable so I didn’t have the chance to nurture myself. I gave a life lesson to a friend, but I haven’t learned my part.
It is narcissistic to abuse all those who appear or seem to be weaker than us. They are easy targets for our egos to attack them in any possible ways, and the pain we cause makes our egos grow. It is more challenging not to abuse those who appear to be weaker than us, because that means that we have to level ourselves downwards to reach them. Lifting those who we think are beneath us (which is already a false thought in itself) is more generous than stepping onto them. If someone offers his heart we can decide to tear it out or gently refuse it.
We might all have had rivalries during childhood or during the teenage years. Maybe we were jealous of our brothers or sisters. If we haven’t been supported to accept and love ourselves, all those who seem to be weaker might come handy as targets to our bullying. Only if we love and accept ourselves are we able to lift the weak, the vulnerable under all circumstances. Even if we don’t like them we do that, and bullying them is never the option.
Joining bullying is also abuse, as we take part in the action. I joined my crush in bullying my friend because I had intentions behind. I used the act of bullying as a tool, without keeping an eye on the feelings of my friend. Only my ego is able to do this, when it wants to impress, defeat or gain power. And this is what it was all about . I wanted to share the power of my crush, as I definitely thought him to be more powerful than I was.
There are always bigger narcissists than us, and there are always bigger victims than we are. If we get in the ring of narcissism, we abuse others and we get abused. I’m sure that if my dream would have continued by my dating my crush, I would have been abused emotionally. I would have got in the ring of narcissism, by playing a role to fit into the concept of my crush. Playing a role in order to fit into the lives of other people is self-abuse. The circle is closed.