Build a bridge to your Self
The Healing Method – Your Ideal Mom
1. Preparations (present article)
2. Healing childhood wounds
3. Shifting fear
What is the method all about?
I developed this method for myself, and as it was an ultimate success and I could get rid of my emotional wounds and limitations, I want to share it with you. I was brought up in a dysfunctional family, it means that as a legacy, I’m dysfunctional at certain parts of my life. It leads to the conclusion that certain parts of my life are dysfunctional either. I have an idea about functional families, functional parenting and functional life, and that was what I wanted to create. However if the roots of a tree are sick, the tree itself is sick. If a house is built on broken bricks, on an unstable foundation, the whole house is unsafe and cannot fulfill its function properly. What can you do when you have received unideal parenting in a dysfunctional family? How do you fix your own roots and foundation? You fix them in the past with the help of your ideal mom, /or I-mom/ who is designed to parent you the way you always needed, wished, wanted. With her power, you replace your negative feelings to the past happenings in your life, you get comfort and support. Let’s go!
Using the power of your ideal mom, you replace the painful and paralyzing feelings at that moment when you suffered the emotional wound. You cannot change your past, that is not the intention here. But you can change your feelings towards your past happenings, and you can free yourself from painful memories that keep haunting you. You can replace the negative feelings into positive ones, giving the past scene a powerfully happy ending. You no longer need to feel shame, blame, humiliation, belittling, lack of acceptance, love, respect, care and attention. By going back in time, you can shift your negative, paralyzing feelings into love. You always have the choice how you react on happenings in your life, even in your past.
It’s a matter of attitude, that you can choose right here and right now. But int he past you have already chosen a reaction, an attitude, and your feelings have been stored according to that. You can always trick your mind to store different feelings connected to particular happenings in your life. The mind is an amazing tool if you learn to use it and control it, or a devastating weapon if you let it function on its own by taking control over you. Your mind can trick you into carrying out or avoiding actions. If you fall off from a tree at the age of 5, you will have a certain memory stored in your mind about this incident. If you store this happening as a disaster, then you have the feelings of shame, pain and humiliation, and in this case, your negative feelings will probably limit you not even trying to climb trees anymore. But if you store the incident as an unsuccessful attempt, and you get encouragement from your environment, parents and friends, then you will try it once again. You did not give negative feelings to the action.
Or if you are afraid of the bad luck on Fridays 13th, you might cancel your cinema, date or evening out, and by doing so, you prevent yourself from having a great time. Your mind leads you, tricks you into action or avoiding action, so it’s time to reverse the role, taking back the lead.
The most obvious proof of tricking the mind is giving placebo candies to the patients and they start feeling themselves better. Or when the child has some small injuries at he playground and runs to his mother for a kiss. The mother cannot eliminate the pain, but by simply nurturing the child she creates a positive outcome of the incident. The kid runs off immediately to continue the game, however the wound still hurts a little, but his soul is already fixed. Connecting new, positive feelings to old, negative happenings? Yes, we’re gonna do that.
The Role of the Ideal Mom
The ideal mom does not replace the real one, her role is not to push the real one away and act as the real mother. This is not about denying our real mothers and adopting a new one. People always say to love yourself and in return everybody will love you. And you did love yourself when you were born, however you might have unlearned that. You can keep loving yourself when your self love is encouraged, supported, when you were raised up and conditioned to keep loving yourself. You receive this support from your parents, but if they have never had self love themselves, they couldn’t teach you to do that. You can give only what you have inside. Wounded people cause wounds and leave wounded people behind. If your parents were wounded, for sure you are wounded too. Here comes your ideal mom in the picture, who is designed to love you unconditionally, and by using the love and power of your ideal mom, you learn to love yourself by proxy. But the real thing is that your ideal mom represents you, you are your own ideal mom, you adopt yourself basically, and you reveal that you are becoming to really love yourself, by showing affection towards yourself.
The function of the ideal mom is that she represents that particular mom I wish my real mother would have been, especially in certain situations. When I needed emotional support but I didn’t get it. When I needed help, but she was not available. When I needed attention, but I couldn’t get it from her. When I needed to be saved from situations but she was not there. When I needed a good word, a nice hug and affection. When I wanted to hear that ‘I love you’, ‘I’m proud of you’, but I didn’t. The role of the ideal mom is to nurture you, and this means that you learn to nurture yourself by proxy. This is partly a self-soothing method, where you learn to be nice, kind, loving and caring to your own Self. The ideal mom has all those emotional features I needed, and by creating and using the power of my ideal mom, at the same time I also adopt those features myself too that I attribute to her. The ideal mom is your Self talking to you, nurturing you, this way you and your Self come closer to each other and become one. You will arrive home.
The ideal mom is the part of you, she represents you, she is born from you. She is not an apart person, with her own personality, history or age. She is your essence, your own love. She represents everything you believe to be good and desirable, and she has all those features too that you haven’t discovered in yourself yet. You might think that you are not lovable. She will show you that you are. She will show all those features you regard to be missing from you. She will teach and support you to love yourself, which is the task of all parents on the globe.
The other role of the ideal mom is to be available when childhood wounds, limitations, hurtful experiences come up to the surface, and help to shift the bad feelings that are attached to that event into love and acceptance. All unprocessed emotions, thoughts and experiences can hurt you even today, you can shift them on your ideal mom and watch her how she replaces your bad feelings with love.
What do Children Need?
All children are different but all of them need the same things to develop: healthy emotional life, love, care, support, attention, nurture, defense and freedom to discover. When a child is born, he is born into a codependent relationship to his parents, he relies on their love and care. The parents take care of his physical needs, they feed him, change his nappies and take him to the doctor. Besides taking care of his physical needs, the parents should pay attention to the emotional development of their child, guide him and support him to build a balanced and independent personality. It means that he grows beyond the codependent relationship to his parents, and becomes a functioning individual. In order to get to this point, he needs a healthy connection to his parents, and this is basically a channel between the child and the parents.
An open emotional channel
The channel on the child’s side is always open, as he needs to be connected to his parents. He gets feedback, support, help and guidance about his own actions and emotions through this channel. But it can happen that the parents close the channel on their sides for some reasons and in some cases. In my opinion parents close this channel when the child pushes those buttons that are dysfunctional in the lives of the parents, so they cannot react meaningfully. According to my experience the channel is mostly closed when it comes to emotions and emotional nurture.
Little kids can have disturbing feelings, scary thoughts, awful feelings but they cannot ease their own inner tension. It can be something they have seen on TV, or heard on the radio, a nightmare, or a story that another kid has told them. They don’t have tools to solve their disturbed emotions, they cannot give explanation to themselves over the unpleasant feelings and experiences, so they need to connect to their parents to get help. The ability to face, name and process our insecurities is a gift that we can learn from our parents. If the parents are not available to nurture their kids emotionally, the child will draw the conclusion that he does not deserve to be nurtured, he will find the explanation that he is not worthy to be helped with his emotional issues, so he begins to torture himself emotionally. Not only the unprocessed disturbing emotions and experiences will hurt him, but the silent rejection of his parents, who did not respond to his problems.
Think about this: little Robbie comes home from the nursery and says that his best friend will move away to another city, because his parents will divorce. He feels sad because his friend moves away, and he tells about his disturbing feelings to his parents.
The parents might say: nevermind, there are plenty of other kids at the nursery, you will have another friend.
Robbie gets no solution to the painful feeling of losing his friend, instead his problem is belittled. He cannot connect to his parents, the channel is closed. He does not get help from his parents to process his loss, but he is reinforced that in such emotional situations he will be left alone.
But maybe Robbie’s parents tell the following: yes Robbie, this can happen that people move away to other cities. There will be always people who leave and new people to come. I am sure that your friend will like the new place and also that you will have other new friends too. If you want, you can draw a nice picture to your friend and he will remember you always. I can ask the telephone number of his mom and you can talk on the phone oftentimes.
Robbie gets explanation and also solution to his problem, the channel of his parents is open. He can shift his disturbing feelings to his parents, he gets nurtured and he is reinforced that he can count on his parents in emotional questions.
Or let’s see this example: 5-year-old Lola has seen a trailer on TV, which scared her. She wakes up from her nightmares and she says that the ugly clown she saw on TV the other day had scared her and she couldn’t sleep.
Her parents react this way: oh, Lola, don’t be ridiculous, that’ just a stupid clown on TV, you shouldn’t be afraid of it. Don’t be so childish.
Lola is childish because she is a child, and she is ridiculous, because her parents have just reinforced it. She is left alone with her fear, she is ridiculed, and the channel on her parents’ side is closed.
Or her parents react this way: I’m sorry Lola that you have seen something scary on TV. Clowns suppose to be funny and entertaining, and most people like them. Maybe later you will like them too. Tell me what scared you? Let’s try to draw him, maybe he is not so scary if we draw him together.
Lola gets information and explanation, support and help to process her fear. She is nurtured and reinforced that the channel is open.
Help to process emotions, thoughts and experiences
We regularly meet disturbing things in our lives, we become insecure, afraid, anxious, scared, hurt, and if we have learnt to nurture ourselves, we can quickly grow over the problems, by taking care of our own emotions. In our childhood we pass our fears, insecurities, hurt on our parents and we watch how they solve it. We come up with our disturbing feelings and talk it over with our parents. They give us solutions, calming words and they are open to give explanations over the unpleasant feelings, thoughts and experiences, and this way they help us to process them. We basically shift our emotional problems on them, this way we get rid of the tension. It is only and exclusively possible of course, if the channel is open on their sides. If not, it is very likely that they have never learnt to nurture themselves, and as we have been pushing their dysfunctional button, they closed the channel. And we were left alone with the disturbing feelings, thoughts and experiences and without a tool to be able to nurture ourselves.
An open channel gives security to the child, a closed channel however gives insecurity. In the first case the grown-up person will not need to connect to other people to handle his emotions, he will not very likely to have limitations by his unprocessed childhood feelings and thoughts. Furthermore he will not be afraid of his emotions, he will not push them away, abuse or abort them. In the second case, the person will need to connect to others to project his insecurities, fears and problems on them, as he has never learnt how to process them on his own. He will very likely to be dysfunctional at some parts of his life, and in case of hardships, he will torture himself and others around. His unprocessed childhood fears, wounds, unsolved painful and shameful situations will manifest into present day limitations. He will be afraid of having feelings, so he will abuse them, abort them. The ideal mom is here to nurture you, teach you to nurture yourself, and help you to process your limiting beliefs and childhood wounds.
The ideal mom is the ideal parent who is created according to the needs of the childhood you, her channel is always open and ready to help and nurture you. You can always connect to your ideal mom, this is exactly why she has come alive. You might remember situations when you needed your mother but she was not available. Moments when you needed emotional support, some explanations, a hug and some nice words but you didn’t get them.
The role of your ideal mom is to give you all those you didn’t get, and to help you to eliminate your childhood wounds. By going through that particular past event or situation when you hopelessly needed support, the ideal mom intervenes right when the unwanted, unpleasant, hurtful, shameful abusive situation happens. If you haven’t forgiven to the persons who hurt you yet, this might be impossible to go back in time, re-experience the whole action without not being hurt again! The aim is to dissolve, eliminate the negative outcome of the action, by the intervention of your ideal mom, and replace it with a positive emotional ending. But without forgiving to the person who hurt you it might be impossible even to reach back in time to that specific moment, as you might grow very angry and nervous. The forgiving must come first, and when you are no longer angry at that person, you can go back safely in time.
Letting pain go
It is very necessary to know that without really and honestly forgiving to all those who hurt and abused you, this method is useless. Forgiving is not so difficult as a lot of people believe it. Forgiving is basically letting your pain go, not more and not less, why is it so hard to do then? We tend to objectify our pain and the other person who caused it, and as such, we don’t want to let go what is OURS! We like to hold on to PAIN, because that pain we already know, it IS OUR COMFORT ZONE. If we let it go, we are afraid of the unknown feeling that replaces pain, or the emptiness that we might expect. Or we are afraid that some much bigger pain might come. In a lot of cases people act to avoid pain, because emotional pain is exactly the thing that they cannot deal with. People are afraid of pain the most. And they try to avoid pain by avoiding letting the existing pain go. Sounds stupid, right? Let me give you an example. You live in a relationship that does not comfort you anymore. You do not feel yourself in love, you do not feel that the other loves you either, you go to bed and wake up together, otherwise it seems that you only exist by each other’s side, and the only connection between you is arguing always. You FEEL that this is not good for you, but you don’t want to KNOW it! You do not want to face reality, because that would mean separation. And that would be painful. So basically you try to avoid pain by nurturing the existing pain. Does this sound logical? You keep yourself in pain to avoid pain. Because your existing pain is well-known, the possible pain is unknown, so you stay in the comfortable pain.
And when your partner finally breaks up, at least you can play the role of the victim, you can place the responsibility on him, and put your pain on him, by being angry at him. However he was more honest to himself by admitting the truth, and brave to face the unknown pain.
What might be even more surprising, emotional pain is still a chain between the person who suffered and the person who caused. Sometimes this is the only connection between these people, and the sufferer can stay chained to the causer only by this way. In a dysfunctional family the child might think: if it’s not love, then let it be pain. This way she can stay connected to her abusive parents, because she needs the bond. The pain or anger we feel towards someone is our choice. We choose to keep it in the center of our lives. We can have another choice, we can always have another choice. We can choose to push this person out of the center of our lives and put ourselves in the focus instead. All the energy we waste on spitting on the old and uncontrollable (past, pain, anger, other person) we can invest into building the new and good (present and future, freedom and thriving, yourself) into our own person and personal development. As long as we stay angry at someone, we are chained to the past. And as long as we do not decide to cut the chains, we stay connected to the person who caused us pain. We should connect to ourselves and not someone who hurt us. When we connect to ourselves, we no longer want to be angry at someone.
In abusive relationships
In abusive relationships most people wait for the abuser to eliminate the bad things he did. They believe that only the abuser could make it right what he caused. They falsely hope that only he can turn the bad into good. But if he hasn’t done that yet, it is very likely that we are wasting our time by waiting for him. The abuser’s interest, in a narcissistic bond of any kind, is to keep us wounded, because if we are wounded, we are more submissive and he can control us better. He has no intention to heal us, but on the contrary.
Think about it: you suffer a car crash and you get injured. You were the innocent driver, the other driver caused the accident.
Do you expect him to treat your injuries just because he caused them, or you choose to wait for the ambulance?
Someone who causes you an emotional injury is not necessarily able to fix it, and not necessarily the suitable person to do that, no matter how long you wait for it.
My grandma is 90 years old, a stone-cold narcissist. My mother has been waiting for her absolution for 65 years and it’s just not coming. My mother has not been a particularly bad child, she was effectively scapegoated at a very young age and carries the shame, guilt and insecurity of my grandma since she was born. She just wants to hear: I love you and I’m proud of you my daughter. And these will never come. Do you have 65 years to wait for someone and live your life as her extension? I hope the answer is no.
Do not wait for an abuser to make things good. He probably won’t. Maybe it will seem once or twice that he does, that he feels guilty, but unfortunately it will not be real, because it will serve only his interest too.
This is your life, no one can fix it, just you. It doesn’t matter who caused the wound, you can fix it the best. Do not look for the outside, the solution is not there. When you learn to fix yourself, you will be able to do it any time, and always, and you will come so close to yourself, that abusers will not be able to hurt you anymore.
I was brought up in a family, where narcissism is a returning behavioral pattern for generations. I had a lot of wounds from the insecurities of my parents, and also I have caused wounds to others, because of my own insecurities. I have learned a lot about narcissism and I know that this is the case of a designed personality (disorder) that develops at an early age as a result of non-ideal parenting and/or childhood abuse. My father and my mother brings the dynamics of narcissism into action on both sides (narcissist and victim). I have learned that they were brought up with their parents’ emotional channels closed, they turned to play roles (narcissist and victim, again) and that’s why they acted on me as they did. I learned that they are both insecure, afraid, wounded, anxious, unhappy people with low self-confidence, self-esteem, self-respect and self-love.
Instead of throwing stones at them because they were unable to heal themselves, I turn to myself and invest all my energy into myself, my own love, support, respect and attention. I could stay stuck and feed my anger towards them because of what they did to me (or didn’t) but I wouldn’t be any different than them. And that wouldn’t solve my own misery either.
And you know what? I love them much better than ever before, because I could face and understand their childhood, their feelings, their reasons to act, and I could understand who they really are. I believe that they did the best they could, but this was the maximum they could do. They can be called as limited, as they are limited emotionally. They have a shortage on all those things they couldn’t give me emotionally, because they can give only what they have inside. And what they have inside, that’s what they had received as children. They cannot teach me how to love myself as they do not love themselves either. They were not supported to love themselves, this is not in their dictionary. They were brought up also in a very limited way and they couldn’t break the cycle. But I am powerful enough to break it. I’m everything they could not be able to become on an emotional level. And you are here for the same thing too!
Let something go together!
Let something go now, give it a try! It’s about acknowledging the truth and the reality, and by doing so, taking the responsibility of your own actions, and facing the emotional pain. Letting go is describing and explaining honestly the situation to yourself as it was/is, accepting the pain and embracing it.
This is my example, my letting go after being involved in a narcissistic affair: I was naive, and hungry for love and affection. I did not realize that I was only a toy. I did not love and respect myself enough to realize the situation and walk away. He used me for his purposes like sucking attention, joy and emotions from me, and I gave these to him willingly. I was also the reason that I ended up there, I wanted to connect to someone, as I didn’t know how to connect to myself. I’m not angry at him, and I’m not angry at myself. I’ve learnt my lesson to love and respect myself, and I attract people into m life, who also love and respect me.
It is admitting of the real situation, taking responsibility for the actions, giving reasons why this happened, giving solution for the situation, and forgiving to everybody who took part in the action.
And then I go on: I acknowledge and accept that he doesn’t want me in his life, and I’m determined to plan my life without him. I let myself mourn over the loss of my dreams and wishes, and I let myself feel the pain. I will nurture myself during the process and I will support myself. I will feel pain and loneliness sometimes, then I will remind myself that this belongs to the letting go and the healing process. I let myself accept his decision and I let myself love him either ways, avoiding hatred, that would attach me to him with tension. I forgive him and I love him without the intention of awakening the old feelings for him.
I promise myself that I will nurture my own Self, and I give all the support during the healing. I do not hide the truth, otherwise I cannot face it, and so I cannot heal either. But very importantly, I need to stay away from negative feelings towards him, because that would make strong attachment. It is something that your best friend would give you after a breakup, emotional nurture and good, supporting words. But this time you do it, and by doing so, you learn to nurture yourself, and come closer to your Self. It is painful, yes, but you will see, that you can survive that pain, you thought would cause you a fatal heartbreak. It won’t break your heart, but strengthen your confidence in the long run. And after feeling and embracing the pain, it will go away, the bond between the action, the other person and you will break. I repeat this sometimes, and by acknowledging the truth and the reality again and again, I become more free from him. I forgive him and I forgive myself.
2. About loving the hated
Wanting to be loved
People love to be loved. And they want to give love too. Sometimes they don’t get enough love, or they don’t get love at all, and this means they cannot give love too. Think about it for a second! As I have already stated, we can give only what we have inside! A man with lots of love inside will give love to all those who are around him. A person with lots of joy will cheer everybody up. A person with a lot of negativity will express negativity and suck the joy out of everybody. A person who is full of hatred will make everybody feel hatred towards something or somebody. Someone who is wounded will leave wounded people behind. He will hurt everybody around.
Imagine a shop now please.
You need something so you go in, and ask for it. The shopkeeper says that he doesn’t have that item. You can stay and wait until he gets it, or maybe you are absolutely at a wrong shop. If you want to buy a hamburger but you are standing in a flower shop, you can wait ’till the end of times. Sometimes you are searching for what you need at the wrong places. Even if your father is the shopkeeper, he will not be able to give you a hamburger at a flower shop. He doesn’t have it on stock because he never gets it.
It’s the same with emotions. If your father was wounded, he will hurt you and make you wounded too. If your mother is insecure, she will make you insecure. If they are full of hatred towards their parents, you will grow up in such an environment and you will hate things deeply. You will get what they have inside. What they had got as children. Maybe they have never been loved or accepted by their parents. They have been objectified and treated as the instruments of their family. They were given food and bed, besides they had tasks, but no emotions. You are searching at a wrong place, if you look for their love. If they were not loved, it is difficult for them to produce such a feeling. The ability or disability to produce and express emotions is a matter of childhood experience. Our first teachers are our parents and they teach exactly that knowledge what they have.
If your parents were giving you a painful, humiliating and abusive legacy, it’s hard to love them. They do not represent lovable parents, because all they did was pain and shame. Exactly what they have inside. People who have received painful and shameful bringing-up and childhood wounds, they have a sort of double feeling towards their parents, and this causes a huge inner tension. You love your parents unconsciously and unaware, even if you cannot admit this, because you do not want to love them for those what they did to you. Or you do not feel it on the surface, but it’s still there. You long for acknowledgment, to be appreciated, to be accepted by people, especially by your parents. Even if you have strong hatred towards them, you feel that tension to show them that you are better and stronger than they can imagine it. You want to hear: ‘wow, my son, this is amazing, I’m proud of you’. You have that feeling inside ‘just watch me and I will show you, prove you that…’ I’m good, lovable, worthy, enough, amazing, and you have that wish to be acknowledged by them. You still fight for their love and appreciation even if you do not realize it. Instinctively we all want to love our parents, we suffer from not loving them. For those who forbid themselves to love their parents because they already hate them, it seems incompatible to do together. And this causes a huge tension inside.
If we are not allowed to do something, it is forbidden even by ourselves, we feel like being strained, and we want it even more. It creates a huge emotional tension that can direct our life, and can cause even physical pain.
Allow yourself to love
Hate, just as love, is a bonding feeling. If you say ‘I love you’ to someone, you have a bond together. If you say (or think) ‘I hate you’, that’s also an emotional bond between you and another one. The deeper you hate, the more you are attached to that person. By hating your parents you are attached to them, and besides you feel awfully miserable too. It’s like a constant war-zone within you, where all guns are aiming at your parents. Nurturing hatred creates and feeds negative mindset, you give hate to others who are around. You give what you have inside. Hate attracts hate, so you receive hate too. Carrying hatred poisons your life on several fields.
You can love people but still keep distance to them. Loving someone does not mean that he still has the right to stay in your life. Some people are like wild animals, they can be loved only from the distance. Love does not grant presence, think about the dead. We still love them even if they are no longer with us physically.
If you allow yourself to love those who you hate, the tension dissolves. You do not have to love what they did to you, don’t get me wrong. You can separate your mother or father into two roles: the parent and the person. You can allow yourself to love the parent, and do not agree with the behavior of the person. You are born to love your parents and to be attached to them. By hating them you basically abuse yourself and your feelings. You want to love them, but you hate them already.
So when you separate the parent and the person, you can finally let yourself love the parent. And you can stay indifferent to the person and the action he or she did to you. I do not suggest to keep hating them because, as Buddha says it brilliantly, “holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” You carry the poison inside of you, it does not matter if you feel it towards to the other person. The poison, the anger and hatred is in you, because you produce it.
When you let yourself love your parent, this huge inner tension vanishes. It feels deliberating that you finally allow yourself to give that feeling to your parent that you always wanted. You don’t have to say it to him or her, but you can admit it to yourself, or write it down in a letter that you never post. It’s for you, for your emotional freedom from hating what you want to love.
This, again, does not mean to agree with what they did or didn’t do. We separate the mother or father from the person. We love the parent, but we can stay indifferent and even distanced to the person!
And let’s focus on yourself right here!
It’s the same thing with you! You are born to be in strong bond with yourself, to love yourself. Babies love themselves, everything about them, even their own stool. They have no hatred towards themselves, they regard themselves to be perfect.
If you do not allow yourself to love yourself, you cause a huge inner tension. You were born to love yourself, but because of several reasons you stopped to do it. You unlearned to love yourself and let me give you an example here.
Stay with the stool idea! Kids poop and they have no disgust towards their own production. When mommy opens the diaper she might say, “oh wow, what stinky little package you have made here”. Even if she smiles and talks on a funny voice, the child learns to connect herself to the stinky thing. That thing represents her, as she identifies her stool as the part of her body. (This is why potty training is so difficult sometimes, children do not want to let go what belongs to them, what is a part of them.) That is not stinky for them, that is normal and perfect, just they are themselves.
So children identify the stool as the part of their body, so when mommy or daddy calls it stinky and express disgust towards it, they project the stink and the disgust on the child. Children might identify themselves as stinky and disgusting. Sometimes parents are not funny at all when they open that diaper, but they express real disgust, sickness or even throwing up in extreme cases. For the child, it’s the acknowledgment of their being disgusting, the parent expresses: ‘I’m sick of you and I have to throw up from you.’
So following this pattern you can see it clearly, how people slowly but steadily unlearn to love themselves from all those, who were around. I do not say that parents directly teach their kids to unlearn to love themselves. This diaper example is just perfect to show that the mom or dad (or grandma) wants to be funny after all, but even if she talks on a funny voice, the message comes through. It’s not intentionally but unintentionally. I suppose that those children, whose parents intentionally hurt and ashamed their kids, have tried several therapies to lead a normal life.
As you were born to love yourself, but you refuse to do so, you create huge tension inside. And this emotional stress cannot be dissolved from the outside, because it is caused inside. You create it, not someone else, so only you can dissolve it and only from the inside. You shouldn’t expect for example your partner to dissolve this tension by loving you, self-love is not replaceable by love from the outside. No one can self-love you! Have you ever felt that you had everything but you were still restlessly looking for something you couldn’t even name? You had a partner, job, fame, health, whatever you wanted but you were not happy and satisfied? You always missed something? Or do you still feel this? Do you always look for new people but none of them gives you finally what you want? Do you end up in bad, toxic, abusive, shameful relationships and friendships? Is it possible that you attract people who do not love themselves either and you co-abuse each other?
The ideal state is when you allow yourself to love yourself, and it’s hard to do when you have unlearned it. But how do you want to give real love if you do not have it for yourself? You give what you have inside, do you remember? And if you don’t have self love, how do you want to attract people who love you? What’s inside, comes on the outside.
Having an ideal mom who is basically you, telling you that she loves you means that you admit yourself that you love yourself. You learn to love yourself, and after practicing the method, you will really and truly love yourself. You are the only person who will be with yourself from the first breath to the last. If you do not learn to love yourself, you sentence yourself for a lifetime suffering.
Feed what’s important to you!
Both forgiving and loving the hated is making peace to your past, resolving the tension that works in you, controls you and prevents you from healing. Where your attention goes, there energy flows. With your energy you make things grow. If you give energy to hatred and self-abuse, you will make it grow. If you feed love and your own Self, you will make them grow. If you turn your attention away from your past and turn it towards healing, you will make it grow. Mother Theresa knew it when she said: “I will never attend an anti-war rally; if you have a peace rally, invite me.” She knew that if the attention is directed at the war, people will make war grow. But if they feed the notions of peace, they will make peace grow.
If you put your attention into hating the past and the people who hurt you, you will give them your energy, you will feed them and make them grow. Your hatred will grow towards them, and you will have no energy to heal yourself. But if you give energy to making peace to your past, to your healing and to the beautiful ad loving relationship to your own Self, you will make these things grow. Your ideal mom is the tool here, who helps, you, heals you, guides you and nurtures you all the way.
Why imagined, why not a real person?
Source of happiness
I have learned not to place the source of my happiness into other people’s hands. They might abuse it, the might mistreat it. I can teach them what the keys to my happiness are (if I know them myself at all) but still, it should be found inside of me, not outside. No other people is responsible for my happiness, no matter how much we love each other.
As you see it in my story, I’m a widow. My husband had no intentions to die at the age of 35 but he did. He took my happiness into his grave for a while. So it might sound morbid, but if you place the key of your happiness into other people’s hand, they can even die, bringing your happiness down to their grave. Your happiness and your love for yourself must come from the inside, that’s the only place that stays with you forever, that’s the surest and safest place of endless and unconditional love.
According to Verena Kast: when we lose someone (even by death or by separation) we can return back to normal life effectively, if we can create our definition on our own, and we are not defined by the outside world, or by others. This suggests that we have to stay connected to our Selves, with the channel open, and if we stay connected to ourselves, we can return to normal life faster, after ending up alone. People who are not connected to themselves and are defined by their partners will fall apart into tiny pieces by losing the significant other, and this happened to me. And these people also stay stuck in a dysfunctional relationship just because they think they are someone only with their partner. However they are not happy with them either. Partners come and go, even they die, but happiness stays. So other people should not be the exclusive source of our core happiness.
Kids know it better
It is clear for experts that 65% of the children up to the age of 10, and 50% of them above the age of 10 have imaginary friends. It is absolutely normal to have imaginary friends as they have huge benefits for children. An imaginary friend calms and nurtures the child. The child can practice all those unknown situations with her imaginary friend that trains her for real life. And also kids can discuss their anger, fear and emotions with the imaginary friends, this way they shift it on their imaginary friends. The imaginary friend can act as the other Self, as its channel is always open when the child needs to connect to someone. According to Enikő Gazdag, a Hungarian psychologist, the presence of imaginary friends at childhood is absolutely normal and natural.
Let’s think about ourselves for a second. We also run self talk in our heads. That’s kind of the same thing, only we do not say it out loud and do not act it out. But we also try to process the things that happened to us, and release the tension and stress. In ideal cases we run positive self-talk trying to motivate and nurture ourselves. In less ideal cases we tend to go back to the same bothering happenings and try to give another ending to them, or try to take revenge on others.
Let’s imagine the following: you and your colleague have made a report together, but when the day of the presentation arrives, you become ill. You phone to your colleague asking to cancel the presentation and wait for you when you come back. She doesn’t, the presentation is a success, she gets promotion.
By the time you arrive back, no one talks about the presentation.
How many times do you run the happenings in your mind, trying to give a different ending to the story? How many times and how many different ways do you try to take revenge on your colleague? And how many of them are deadly?
We tend to run the same cycles in our minds, but we rarely offer solutions to ourselves, our attention focuses on a different outcome, or the revenge.
Another example is when someone bumps into your car, and you grow mad. No one gets hurt, and nothing serious happened to your car, but still your mind creates different versions of the revenge, or a different outcome. You have suddenly become Chuck Norris and with the perfect spin kick you demolish the opponent.
Kids use their imaginary friends to break their own cycle, shift their disturbing feelings and experiences on them. And we tend to run the same circles in our heads, so we can try to call for the same sort of help what the child does, an imaginary character, who is still us, the ideal mom. Our same cycle can be the abuse, the abusive childhood, the childhood wounds, or any kind of limiting happenings and situations from our past and present.
The conversations in our heads are different from the child’s conversation, because the child uses a character who lives outside of her own identity, but we talk basically to ourselves. The imaginary friend of the child has age, personality, outlook, history. Our imaginary friends are ourselves. We have the age, personality, outlook and history too.
The ideal mom is also a tool to visualize self talk. Have you ever caught yourself in the act of rewinding and re-acting a particular situation or conversation, but with a more favorable ending? When you changed the end for your favor that brought you victory, or truth, or relief? Now, this is why the ideal mom is here. With her help, you can change your feelings towards a past action that had an unfavorable, negative, humiliating, shameful or painful ending. However your ideal mom is not the tool of winning a debate or fighting back. She is not a weapon. She turns the painful emotions into happy and empowering feelings, but she does not change the outcome of the conversation or fight you had.
She cannot be used with bad or hurtful intentions, because as long as you nurture negative, aggressive and offensive thoughts towards someone, you stay chained to him and to the events, and you cannot be free.
Everything starts in your head
It means that the quality and orientation of your thoughts will make you feel a certain way, if you want to nurture or torture yourself in some situations, it’s up to you. Your ideal mom teaches you to nurture yourself, and with her help, you can free yourself from pain and suffering, you can detach yourself from negative experiences and emotions in the past and in the present either.
This topic is discussed in depths in a heartbreaking book of an amazing person, Viktor E. Frankl. He was a neurologist and psychiatrist, was deported to Auschwitz and later to Dachau, and after surviving the horrifying years of the Nazi camps and losing all his family (except his sister), he wrote the book Man’s search for meaning (Trotzdem Ja Zum Leben Sagen: Ein Psychologe Erlebt das Konzentrationslager – translated as “Saying Yes to Life in Spite of Everything: A Psychologist Experiences the Concentration Camp”).
In this amazing masterpiece you can see how people can save themselves by their own mindset. How they can say yes to life even among so inhuman circumstances, when they rather leave the others in their sleep having their nightmares than waking them up, because those nightmares are more human than their reality. Frankl states that people escape from their reality by visiting their past or creating their future in their minds. He tells in the book how he escaped his heart and soul from the camp by talking to his wife in his mind. He created the conversation, he heard the answers of his wife, her laughter, he visualized her encouraging glance, and her figure filled all his thoughts and mind. He could find love through this experience. He says that even among the most horrifying circumstances you can find love and joy, if you direct your mind to do that. He did this by visualizing his conversation with his wife, even if he didn’t know if she was still alive or not. He states, that would have made no difference, he would have been having the same loving conversations to her, experiencing love towards the person, and nurturing loving feelings inside.
My ideal mom is not a real person, although she is me. She is the creature of my mind, she is the part of my essence, represents my core values and even more. She has all features that I missed from my real mom, and I want to awaken in myself too. When I use the power of my ideal mom, she represents me. When she is caring and patient, I become caring and patient in my real life, manifesting her characteristics into my personality, I become more like her. My own way of parenting transforms itself also to carry more features from my ideal mom, and this is unbelievably beneficial for my children and my whole world around me.
She is my imagined mom, just like an imagined friend to kids.
The imaginary mom has same aims as an imaginary childhood friend, only she goes back in time, cleaning up the emotional mess that was made. She goes back to eliminate, to wash away the dirt from the past that has strong effects on the present. She is the emotional cleaner if you like this idea.