Healing childhood wounds
2. Healing childhood wounds (present article)
3. Shifting fear
Creation of the Ideal Mom figure – let’s adopt yourself
I tell you what’s important, again!
This is not a competition between your real and your ideal mother and also the aim is not to form and shape the figure after a real person!
At the first time when I visualized myself as my own mom, I imagined a womanly figure. She had no exact face, I did not bother with the details. I saw that she had long hair, probably only as a symbol of a woman’s figure, and she wore a dress. More details I did not see about her, because it was just not necessary. I focused on the internal characteristics, because in that case that was important.
When you imagine your ideal mom, you can add specific details to her, describe her hairstyle, the colors of her eyes. It’s up to you how your ideal mom looks like, but you should not get exaggerated with the details because what matters here is the healing power. She represents all the features that I miss from my mother and I miss from myself too. She is a compact figure with all the good characteristics I need to heal.
Also I recommend you not to choose a real person, for example the adorable mother of your best friend. Leave out the real people, do not make any connection between your ideal mom and the real world. Your ideal mom is a representative figure. She is the symbol of your own energy, your own love, respect, trust and acceptance towards yourself, containing your core values, your essence and all that you want to represent, but not yet have it. She exists in you, she receives her energy from you.
So for me, the outer look does not matter, just what’s inside. The only outer feature what is important to me is the shining, bright light. That represents the healing itself. The figure of my ideal mom is sparkling gold and also as she appears, she covers all surroundings with this sparkling golden flow of light. It is like a golden river everywhere that washes all bad things away. You can choose whatever color you want, if you like white shining light or pink, it’s up to you. What’s important here is to know that this light is the healing power, everything that is touched by this light heals.
Furthermore I know that my ideal mom is loving, caring, helpful, attentive. She is always happy, positive and supportive, and places my needs and well being in the front. Basically she represents all the things we should do to ourselves and what kids expect from their parents too. She has exactly that power that eliminates all those wounds I received at certain points of my life. She washes away the negative emotions, humiliation, shame, disgust that were attached to the real happenings in the past, replacing them with love, support and care, that I finally give myself, through her figure.
Every time I discover a particular painful or abusive moment from my past, I invite her, and with the same method, I shift my negative emotions into self-love, with the help of my ideal mom, who is me. Also I can rely on her powers when I feel disconnected from myself, when I am upset, I feel lonely or having any kind of negative feelings, limiting beliefs. She comforts me, expressing self love, self respect, self acceptance and self trust.
In order to create the ideal mom, you need to find those characteristic features that you miss in your mother and and those that you miss in yourself. The two lists should not be exactly the same, but probably there will be a lot of things in common. These are exactly the features you want your ideal mom to have, and also you want to have them yourself. You can really write a list if you want to, because written things stay stuck deeper, when you see something written down, you regard it more serious. Paper and pen have power, as you write down your thing, it’s no longer a vision, but a statement!
- do not design her to resemble to a real person. Any similarity between her and a real person would cause tension.
- do not design her with a lot of details. Her healing power is in her light and in her words, but not in the details. A womanly figure with some hair and skirt really does that.
- do not give her own personality. She is not independent from you. She represents you and that upgraded Self you wish to be.
- do not try to make her involved in revenge. She is not created to change the past for your favor, but to change your emotional outcome after a negative past happening.
- do not make her your all-time company. She does not replace real people, she is a tool to heal your emotions.
- design her with beautiful, shining light, that is her healing power. It covers the abuser and the abusing action from your eyes, and later those will fade away. This is some sort of purifying light, with which she cleans up your tears and glues your broken heart together.
- fill up her with all those features you love in yourself and all those you wished you had. If you are impatient, make her patient, if you are shy, make her brave, and so on.
- fill her with all that care, love, attention, understanding, support that you wanted to get but you didn’t.
- create a basic manifestation that you can use randomly, when you feel disconnected from your Self and you need emotional nurture. It’s something like: “I love you and I’m always here for you. You are perfect the way you are, lovable and worthy.” You can use this manifestation anytime, however in case of specific moments when you eliminate a certain childhood wound, you will need an extended manifestation. That contains those healing words and expressions that direct to eliminate that specific wound. Let’s see one of my childhood wounds: my mother told me that my legs were not good enough to be a dancer. So the specific manifestation goes this way: “I love you and I’m always here for you. You are beautiful the way you are, your legs are amazing and you are just perfect. I accept you and love you exactly with these beautiful legs.”
Later the figure of your ideal mom will probably change. In the very beginning it is will be really, really simple, but later it might change, as your perception and mindset changes. In my case her figure became more feminine, more round and also, taller. From a little ball of light I had visualized in the beginning, she became more like a figure of a woman. She still doesn’t have a very detailed figure, she has a long dress and long hair, lovely face and the shining, sparkling golden light around her.
In the beginning probably you will give her more energy and less to yourself. You will believe that without her you cannot save yourself. But as you begin to love yourself, you will stand for yourself on your own and rely on yourself more and more, she will have less and less energy. You will dominate and not her. You will be able to save yourself if necessary, but as you orientate yourself towards positive and loving mindset, it will be less and less necessary to save yourself. You will attract the perfect people and the perfect situations into your life. The figure of your ideal mom will probably stay with you, and if some childhood wounds come up you might shift the bad memories into good ones with her help, but maybe without.
In the beginning, when you start to practice the healing with your ideal mom, you will need a quiet place for sure. You will learn to invite her, visualize her and work with her. Later, when you feel disconnected from your Self and want a little emotional support and nurture, it will not be necessary. When you want just a quick silent moment with her, your eyes are closed and hold her picture in your mind for a couple seconds, while you listen to her saying the basic manifestation. Even later only by thinking on her will give you a warm, comforting feeling, and you will know that you have this superpower to comfort you and you are never alone.
But when a childhood wound comes up to the surface, you will need a quiet place to be able to bring the whole happening so vividly alive as possible. It’s better if you find a quiet and undisturbed place, where you can focus on the practice. Obviously, if you are a visual type, it will go much easier, but do not give it up, if you do not succeed, because this practice is not impossible. You are going to work with yourself, and maybe you do not have so much experience in this. But this is one of the most important investments, to make yourself healthier, better, stronger, so do not give up.
When you are comfortable and you can bring back the happening to your mind and you see the pictures of your film clearly, you can stop for a while. You know what’s gonna happen, because it already happened. So make your manifestation, what you want to hear from your ideal mom right after the happening. When you are done, close your eyes and let’s start the movie.
This is how it goes with me.
I see the happening through my own adult eyes, not from the point of view of my young me. At this point I’m a third person in the story, a viewer. With my eyes closed, I go back to that certain moment when the abuse happened. I see a lot of details, the people around, sometimes I see more details sometimes less, it does not affect the outcome of the healing. I live the happening all the way through just as it was in real life. The abusive moment, situation, action happens again exactly the same way as it happened. All the things are said and done the same way, but before all the shameful, toxic and degrading feelings and thoughts would flow through my mind and poison my feelings, the picture freezes, nobody says anything, nobody moves. It is a still picture, just after the abusive moment but before the toxic thoughts. Just push the pause button, and let the characters and actions freeze. In most cases by this time I see only myself and the abuser(s) and everything becomes black around us. I see no details anymore, just the pitch black darkness, and my abuser(s) in front of me.
And then, I see a small ray of golden light shining through the darkness, like a little beam of sunlight through a torn curtain. My ideal mom is approaching, the light becomes even brighter, even more sparkling as she comes closer. This light has power, this power can eliminate all the bad and it brings all good instead. As she comes closer and closer I see my abuser is getting smaller and smaller. At one point he cannot look at the light anymore, it’s unbearable for him so he has to turn away and cover his eyes. This light does not hurt him, but it is obvious that it is extremely uncomfortable for the abuser. My ideal mom tosses the abuser away from me, but as she represents all good things, she is not rough, angry or brutal towards anyone, not even towards my abuser. She basically pushes him away out of my sight and also she stands between me and him, covering him also out of my sight. I have no longer connection to the abuser, I don’t see him and I know that he can’t stand this strong healing power that comes from the light. Everything around me stops, I cannot see anything or anyone, just me myself and my ideal mom, with that beautiful, strong golden light.This light is so powerful, so amazing, it represents the healing so deeply to me, that usually at this point my eyes (in real life) become wet from the first teardrops. At this moment I’m no longer the viewer, but I am myself, taking part in the situation. My ideal mom has already washed my abuser away, cleaned my surroundings off, and she says to me: I love you. You are perfect and beautiful. You are worthy to all the good things in life. You are safe and I’m always here. I love you, I’m always here for you. I love you. She hugs me, and while hugging, she dissolves in me, we become one.
In your manifestation try to focus on positive words and expressions like I love you and I’m proud of you. Your ideal mom is here to support and nurture you after a painful event, so positive things and words help to create a positive atmosphere and feelings. You can say no one can hurt you if you want, but using positive words direct your attention towards positive mindset. If you use the word hurt, you are reminded of your pain. And what your ideal mom says is basically an affirmation from a person who is you yourself, she wants to strengthen you. She can do it by using positive affirmation. If you cannot say ‘I love you’ to yourself into the mirror (famous practice from Louise L. Hay) you will be able to express it and receive it through an imaginary person, who is you. The transmitter and the receiver is the same person, you.
By the time she tells me her manifestation, I’m usually all in tears. But these are not tears of pain but tears of joy and relief. I smile so heavily with the fresh emotional freedom that it hurts my jaws and my face. I feel like a million ants are running up and down in my chest, as if I have been able to take a deep long breath after emerging from under water. The tension leaves my body and I become peaceful, calm and utterly happy.
And her words eliminate immediately the wound, the pain, the suffering that I felt before. I have no shameful, humiliating feelings connected to the incident as I shifted it into love that I expressed myself to my own self. It is a liberating feeling to experience, how the abuser vanishes, how the abusing situation just dissolves. She re-writes my feelings in history with me, she knows the words I need, she is just ideal for me. I created her with all the features I ever needed in life. She is my big, shining plaster, my big sparkling motherly kiss on my wounds. My guardian mom if you like.
Every time I come across a wound, I live it through until the abusive moment, but then, with the help of my ideal mom I shift the negative emotions into loving feelings. And the wound is gone. I call on her also, if I feel negative feelings, I’m in doubt or I feel lonely. She tells me that I’m never alone, she is always with me and I can count on her, and of course that I’m worthy, perfect and lovable. And that she loves me of course. Sometimes I do the practice with the same wound if I feel like it, but after a time, I cannot remember the abuse in details, it’s like a vague memory that is no longer important to remember.
You can find out your own manifestation with those words and expressions you definitely want to, need to hear. You can learn this particular manifestation by heart, and use it every time when you shift negative feelings into positive ones, or when you need some emotional support. If you were told to be fat, nasty or stupid, you can directly add the opposite words to your manifestation: you are beautiful, good and clever, I love you just the way you are! It’s up to you what you add, but preferably positive affirmations, words, expressions, because they help to build a positive mindset.
Nurturing – connecting to yourself
You can use the power and presence of your ideal mom not only when you eliminate a wound, but also when you feel disconnected from your Self. When your thoughts are wondering around memories that make you sad, or when you feel the need to break NO CONTACT (special expression used by survivors of narcissistic abuse) or when you are running negative self-talk and you realize it. When you need to be nurtured and supported, you can invite your ideal mom. She tells you an affirmation and hugs you. You will feel the powerful healing light in your own body, and you can stay in that moment as long as you want it, need it.
My ideal mom hugs me often. After going back in time to eliminate one wound, she hugs me always. Hugging is a very important and useful way to make comfort to each other. Covered up with her shining, golden light is purifying and healing. I invite her when I feel my vibration a little down, my mind wonders where it shouldn’t, and runs those self talks that I do not want to hear and I realize it. It takes a little practice to control your flow of thoughts, but after a time, you run two lines of thoughts. The one that your mind creates and the one that you create to control the flow of thoughts that your mind creates. I can orientate the flow of my thoughts to be positive and comfortable, letting negative and uncomfortable thoughts go. This is awareness, when you are aware of your own thinking. I can stop the flow of thoughts that my mind creates and orientate my mind towards other thoughts, making my vibration and feelings positive and comfortable. And also I invite my ideal mother to help me, and she comes and hugs me, comforting me back to positive vibration. She tells me an affirmation and hugs me, and I no longer feel for example lonely, down, lost, but powerful, okay and enough.
Hugging is proved to be an amazing medicine for dissolving stress, easing pain, strengthening the immune system. Virginia Satir, an American psychologist said: “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.”
According to this, the more hugs we receive, the more we grow. For me it means the more my ideal mom hugs me, the calmer and peaceful I am, the more positive vibration I have.
When we receive a good, intensive hug from someone we love, it is a wonderful vibrating feeling, we really feel more powerful, more energetic, more alive. Hugging calms the soul down, makes the whole body more peaceful, brings relax to the body and soul. And as my ideal mom is me myself, I can make her come alive anytime I want, making her hug me as often as I want it. I do not place the key of my happiness and calmness into other people’s hands, I do not place it outside of me. She is me, I do hug myself with her help. Having her imagined hug is the same vibrating, calming and relaxing feeling as someone else hugged me in the real world. I feel it physically. My mind creates this action so real that during hugging I lose some teardrops either!
Later, after some practice, I can have a hugging experience only by thinking on her. I do not have to invite her only think of her, and it already creates a good mood, a good vibration in me. Knowing that you have such a power to make even your darkest moments happy, will give you freedom, relief, confidence and power. Only by thinking on her will make you feel calm, happy and free.
About forgiving again
I can grant you that if you still have anger and/or hatred towards your abuser, the method will not work 100% sure. Anytime you meet the abuser again or hear from him, it will push you back into anger, into the earlier, abused state. I do not suggest to agree with what happened, I suggest to accept it as something unchangeable and out of your control. You have no control over your past happenings, you have control over your attitude, emotions and reaction on that happening. If you react negatively on a past happening, you will stay chained to it.
If you turn away from it as impossible to change, and focus only your own healing, you will become free. Then the work what your ideal mom and you do together will pay off fur sure.