I’m a member of a large group where I often meet with – mostly – women, who live in typically dysfunctional relationships. To help them is impossible as long as they don’t feel the need of it. They usually cry and complain about their awful situation, and in the meantime they hope that things change, their situation gets better.
They live in fear based relationships.
A fear based life roots in the childhood, when the child was raised in a lot of fear, with a lot of fear, or experienced a lot of threat and fearful situations.
Fear has become her comfort zone, she either gets scared fast, or becomes fearless, but rather reckless.
When fear is the second nature of a person, that person is not free. The ego is the fear factory, it creates fear according to the known fear that was introduced to the ego in childhood. In a fear based life the ego is the ruler, it controls the person, and it will direct the person into life situations and relationships, where the ego can find the same situations as in childhood. And the circle is closed.
The fear based life repeats itself, and like a downward spiral, it sucks the person deeper and deeper. If someone lives with fear, her fear will filter her thoughts and behavior. She will be afraid of not being good enough, not being accepted for who she is, and that she is going to be left alone. Being a single automatically means unworthiness and uselessness for a fear controlled person. And to avoid these things she will manipulate her own behavior. She doesn’t want to make others upset, and she allows abusive behavior for her partner.
The good news is that if the person is at the bottom of her personal hell, it will be so unbearable that she would do everything to come out, and then healing begins.
In fear based relationships live the narcissists, and those narcissists who call themselves victims. Everyone who lives in a fear based relationship is a narcissist.
In a fear based relationships fear is the filter that controls the behavior of the partners. They manipulate their own behavior, and by doing so, they manipulate the thoughts, feelings and behavior of their partner. Manipulation is one of the strongest tools of narcissistic people.
Love or fear
Fear is the absence of love. Where real love is, there’s no fear, where fear is, there’s no love.
Love and fear have no meeting point, someone lives in either fear or love.
The characteristics of a fear based relationship
The members have personal secrets to hide from the other one. I’m not thinking of secrets like I was a scout when I was young, but more like I have made 10.000 euro debt, or I have an affair with your best friend, or I take contraceptive pills that’s why we don’t have kids, no matter how much you want it.
The members often criticize the other one or make the other feel small.
They often quarrel and go to bed with anger and resentment. They often use the silent treatment when they ignore the other one.
They remember old grudges and remind the other one of their mistakes.
They don’t show real love to the other one, because they don’t have it. How do I know that my love is not real? It’s not real for example, if in no time you are able to feel anger, even hatred or disgust towards your partner, because he did or said something. Love doesn’t allow rage towards the partner, is strives to solution, nurture and forgiveness.
The members do not become a better version of themselves, but a broken version of themselves. They do not get wings to fly, but their wings are cut down to prevent them flying away.
They have a sort of with or without you relationship, where they feel themselves rarely comfortable but often uncomfortable. They cannot imagine their lives without each other, but they are suffocating by being in the relationship.
They often feel themselves awful in the relationship, they FEEL that their relationship does not work, but they don’t want to KNOW it. They often think of leaving the relationship, but the thought disappears immediately, as they don’t dare to really quit. They wait for the other one to solve the problem, they try to shepherd the other into changing himself, by controlling, manipulating him, or using passive aggressive tools.
They have become one person, sharing the boundaries. Special attributives of such a relationship: common Facebook account; in their use of language they become one person – we are in labor, we breastfeed; and in some cases they literally do no spend time without each other. The opposite can be true either, they never do anything together, they both follow their own paths, which paths don’t really have meeting points.
Honesty is not a common visitor, if it shows up, it brings painful situations and feelings.
They are aggressive verbally, and in serious cases physically.
They are often depressive, use substances as alcohol or cigarettes, drugs or gambling.
The binder of the fear based relationship is fear itself. In most common cases this fear is losing the other one, becoming single, never finding anyone who could love the person again, who accepts the person again.
And the common characteristic feature is the disability of moving on with their lives.
Fear based situations raise fear based situations. Fear based lives raise fear based lives.
There is only one thing to eliminate fear, and that is love. But the person has to be ready for letting love into her life, into her system, into her heart and mind. And the reason why people live in fear based relationships is that they are not prepared for love.
Love based relationships
In these relationships there’s love, acceptance, respect, trust and forgiveness. Someone can bring these qualities into a relationship if the person has these qualities in herself. When she loves, accepts, respects, trusts and forgives herself.
We cannot give what we don’t have, and if we have fear, we give fear, but if we have love, we give love.
Love based relationships have difficulties too, but the partners strive to solve them. They give wings to each other, support and help each other. They do not try to manipulate the other one by words or by behavior.
They show their love to the other one openly and freely, because love is their nature. They dare to receive love either, so the feelings flow back and forth freely.
They treat each others as individuals and respect each other’s boundaries.
They help the other one to stay who she is, instead of changing her to become who the partner wants her to be.
They are honest with each other and respectful with their words.
The binder of a love based relationship is love, that creates more love. The partners feel comfortable in their relationship, they don’t have to play games or manipulate the other one. They dare to be who they are, because they know that they are respected and accepted. If they aren’t, they either discuss it, and/or move on. They understand that they have no right to change or manipulate their partner to make her fit into their lives.
What we feed in our lives that grows, may it be love or fear. Our whole life grows out of this feeling, including our relationships.
It’s not impossible to switch from fear based life to love based life, but the person herself should arrive to the point when she can do it, and she desires to do it. Ironically people can’t come out of fear based relationships because they are AFRAID. Their controlling power prevents them to meet with a new sort of life. They are afraid to love.