We are curious creatures, we want to know everything, because knowing everything gives us security. We believe that our knowledge will promote us, our knowledge will save us or make our life better.
We identify ourselves with our knowledge and we believe that the more we know is the more successful and clever we are.
But what if we have the wrong knowledge? Or the old knowledge is not updated and prevents you from learning the new knowledge? What if because of the old knowledge there’s no room for the new one? When the old knowledge is totally the opposite of reality and truth, and the truth seems so impossible and far out that you push it away without second guessing its rightness!
The wish and urge to know about everything can poison your life. When you are healing after being involved in emotionally abusive/narcissistic relationships, you are in greater danger, because most of the knowledge that is offered in books and in the media is wrong and demolishing, creates fear and doesn’t support healing.
In this post I’ll show you in more ways how the wish to know everything fires back.
1.KNOWING EVERYTHING ON NARCISSISM
When you realize that you have been involved in a narcissistic relationship, you begin to dig for information to gain enough knowledge to secure, save and strengthen yourself. You believe that when you know more, you’ll be able to handle the situation better, for your benefit.
However information on narcissism in the media will make you:
How will you feel?
You will be angry at your partner for what he has done to you, you will see him as a monster. You will be scared on what you have just learnt on narcissism; that this species searches, finds and uses the weak for its purposes. And finally you will see yourself as the victim, and you will become broken to the bone, you will feel sorry for yourself and you will settle in the victim state of mind.
Will all this knowledge be helpful in your situation? NO.
The knowledge what you can find in the media right now is not right, not correct, feeds victim mentality and gives wrong idea on narcissism. And altogether it doesn’t help at all to heal. The more you dig for information on narcissism, the more devastated, scared and broken you will become. When you finally stop for looking for information, you will give chance for the new information – truth – to get into your system.
What’s reality on narcissism that hasn’t been spoken about?
As long as I believed in all these above, I was not able to heal. I was scared, broken and hateful. This is the old knowledge on narcissism, and this doesn’t help heal. The old knowledge on narcissism outlines the role and responsibility of the other one (narcissist) but never deals with the role and responsibility of the speaker (victim).
The speaker always tries to paint the picture of the angel of herself, refusing to take responsibility for her role. And that’s not compatible with healing, and with the truth either.
The new knowledge is the absolute opposite of the old knowledge, and as long as the person is not willing to lose the old knowledge and integrate the new one into her system, she will not be able to heal. The old knowledge in this case is the biggest obstacle of healing. Losing knowledge seems to be dangerous and completely unreasonable, because knowledge itself is regarded to be the tool of healing. But the wrong knowledge is not the tool of healing but the catalyst to emotional hell.
2. KNOWING EVERYTHING ABOUT THE EX
You break up and you decide to go NO CONTACT with your ex-partner. Good. You believe that the separation will give you rest and peace in your mind. It does for a little while, for a very little while. And then comes hell.
When I put full stop to my last emotionally abusive relationship, for a couple of days I felt freedom and I was elevated emotionally. It’s when you take the first big breath after being held under water.
After a couple of days my mood changed. I began to worry about my decision, and I wanted strong proof that I had done the right thing.
Questions emerged in me like: what is he doing? Is he thinking of me? Has he moved on and found someone else? Is he happy?
Let me tell you that knowing the answers to these questions would never give peace to your mind, and I’m going to show you why!
Let’s grab the ultimate question that occurs in everyone: Has he found someone else?
If the answer is NO, then you are very likely to think, he loves me after all! He hasn’t found anyone else and this means that he is sad, he is waiting for me, he loves me. He doesn’t want anyone else.
All these thoughts will never give you peace to your mind, because your mind will be occupied by the idea of screwing everything up and going back to make it up. And you might do it, and you might end up in the exact same emotionally abusive relationship. History repeats itself, this is the comfort zone of your ego.
If the answer is YES, you will be mad! You are very likely to think he has already found someone else, he never loved me, he played with me all the damn time, I knew it.
Is this peace to your mind? No.
Why is this happening to you?
Because your ego wants to keep you in its comfort zone. The ego wants to know about everything to secure itself and its territory. If you were raised in a dysfunctional family, the comfort zone of your ego is dysfunctional either. Your ego tries to keep you in its comfort zone, but it’s your discomfort zone at the same time. With all the emerging questions your ego tries to find justification to its rightness; in case of answer NO – he loves me I knew it, in case of answer YES – he used me I knew it.
It’s very difficult to let go of the urge and wish of the ego to know everything, and to control everything, because wanting to know everything comes from the urge of controlling everything. It’s impossible to know everything in our lives, still we feel secure if we know it all. Questions like the above however will not bring you peace, so it’s better not even asking them, or trying to find the answer to them.
Is it difficult for you to say I don’t know? Do you feel less, secondary, useless and unworthy if you don’t know the answers to the questions that are asked from you? It’s a wrong concept we learn during our childhood that we have to know the answers to the questions that have been asked. Firstly, no one knows all the answers, secondly, no one should know all the answers, because not knowing the answers will make you lovable, useful, worthy and effective. Even Google doesn’t know the answers to these questions, and that’s fine. I’m not the Google, you aren’t the Google, and that’s the way it is!
What can you do?
When such a question emerges in you, just acknowledge that your ego tries to justify one of its theories. Tell yourself: no matter what the answer to this question is, it’s very likely that it won’t bring me peace, nor healing. I don’t need the answer to this question, I’m concentrating on my healing, not on finding answers to the questions of my ego.
After a time your ego will be used to ask less questions, however it will never stop this habit. You will become used to the questions of your ego, and you will learn to handle them.
Furthermore you can practice to say I don’t know, when you don’t know it, and learn to feel comfortable that you are neither Jane Google or Jerry Google, just learn to live with it.