I was watching a program called Death in Paradise on my computer, it was series 5, episode 2.
Humphrey, the brilliant, but clumsy and insecure detective inspector decides to start dating online. He is completing his profile with the help of one of his colleagues, Dwayne, the womanizer, but without experience in having a long term relationship.
Humphrey answers the 100 questions with great honesty, when Dwayne interferes.
Humphrey: question 98. What is your ideal body type for your perfect partner? Typing – I don’t mind.
Dwayne: No chief! That makes you sound desperate.
Humphrey: okay. Typing – I have an open mind. Right. Question 99. How would you characterize the end of most of your romantic relationships? Typing – painful divorce. Last question.
Dwayne: uhm, chief!
Dwayne: don’t you think you might be answering those questions a little bit too honestly?
Humphrey: Well, yes, but I’m hardly going to find my perfect partner by lying, am I?
We all try to find the perfect partner, the perfect match. Humphrey believes that he finds the perfect partner if he is 100% honest in the questionnaire. Dwayne however thinks that he shouldn’t be honest with the questions. Let’s dig these two different approaches.
Let’s see Humphrey’s approach.
He decides to write 100% true about himself in the questionnaire, and he hopes to find his perfect match. What’s his perfect match? His own personality in a female version; someone who is clumsy, uncertain with low confidence and indecisive. It might feel that meeting such a person is like never leaving his comfort zone. Like having a date with himself.
Imagine that you have many insecurities and you are honest in the questionnaire. You get your male/female match.
Would you be happy to have a date with yourself?
Would you be delighted to see the insecurities of the other one, or you would be bothered by them?
According to my experiences, we don’t like to see our own insecurities and weak points in others. On one hand we are reminded to be clumsy and uncertain.
On the other hand I believe that most people look for a partner who balances their own insecurities. They try to find their own missing puzzle pieces in the other one, and by uniting with him/her they feel completed.
Let’s see what happens if Humphrey meets the woman who balances his insecurities. This woman is strong in will, confident, secure and courageous. Think of a date between the two. Don’t you think that either Humphrey or the woman would be discouraged from dating further?
Humphrey might feel even more discouraged, even humiliated by seeing and feeling the confidence and strength of the woman. He would feel disappointed in himself of not having the same features. If they happen to continue dating, he would be defeated in his masculinity, he would feel that he is unable to grow up to the woman.
What about the woman?
On the first date the woman would be disappointed (disgusted?) in seeing the insecurity and clumsiness of Humphrey, and if they plan to have more dates, she might become the leader of the couple, and Humphrey would be her cheerleader. She would grow on his insecurities, she would feed them. She would gain her power and confidence from abusing him through his insecurities.
Let’s see if Humphrey stays honest and meets his perfect match. What does it look like on the first date?
Two clumsy people at a table, unable to decide what to consume, how to behave, what to say. Maybe they manage to the next date, but maybe seeing themselves in the mirror is too painful, so they stop dating.
What it feels like either of them?
Maybe they find it comfortable to date another person who is just as uncertain as they are. They might think this is God’s gift that they have found someone who is just as clumsy as they are. But they definitely cannot find their own missing puzzle pieces they might look for in the other one, so they might feel the necessity of fixing the other one, and they begin to abuse each other.
Every attempt to fix someone to upgrade him/her is abuse. We are not allowed to measure, categorize, judge or label others, and definitely we are not allowed to modify them according to our own taste.
By fixing others we use our tools, our ideas, our concept, plans and value system to model the other one into someone else, because we clearly see that he is not enough – for us – the way he is. And that’s abuse. No one has ever confirmed us that our plans and ideas are the best to create a new personality, and as long as we believe in such a thing, for sure it isn’t. Creating a new personality is the idea of abusive people, including parents. We can’t create new personalities, that’s playing God’s role.
So if your perfect match – according to the honest answers to the questionnaire – shows a clumsy, insecure, indecisive person, you might run away on the first date. Maybe you don’t believe that this is your perfect match, either because this is exactly the picture you want to get rid of yourself, or the other one is so embarrassing that you can’t believe that he/she is your perfect match.
Let’s see Dwayne’s approach.
He advises Humphrey not to be honest in the questionnaire.
So Humphrey completes the questionnaire according to Dwayne’s instructions, and it turns out that his match is a confident woman, who really knows what she wants and she is not afraid to ask for it, go for it. Would it be comfortable for Humphrey to play this role? Would he be able to convince the woman of his strong character when he is exactly the opposite?
On the first date might everything work out well. Maybe Humphrey is able to decide and lead the conversations and the situations, with great effort. He wants to impress the woman, so he acts as if he would be his total opposite. I suppose he would sweat blood after a couple of hours.
Now imagine that he impresses the woman and they begin dating. Humphrey has to wear the mask of Mr. Great Confidence further on. Is he able to do it if he obviously isn’t confident? This is when he puts himself into a situation when he lies to himself and to the woman either. The mask becomes uncomfortable, heavy, he sweats under it, but he can’t lose it, because then he loses his credit with the woman. And the woman too.
Slowly but steadily the mask becomes unbearably heavy, it slips off sometimes, Humphrey’s real personality shines through, and the woman becomes disappointed and angry. She discovers that Humphrey is not the person he showed himself to be. She either moves on, or stays and decides to change Humphrey back to the person she met. That’s fixing again.
If she moves on she hurts Humphrey, if she stays she hurts herself. If she stays and tries to fix Humphrey, she abuses the both of them. All outcomes are painful for the both of them. She abuses herself because she stays where she doesn’t feel comfortable, and she abuses Humphrey with her attempts to change him into someone who he has never been.
How about Humphrey?
He is disappointed that he couldn’t make the woman happy, that he failed with this relationship. It’s a crack on his masculine feelings and and a huge crush on his weak confidence. He thinks himself to be a total failure, and if the woman makes him responsible for everything, he will carry that burden either. The next time he would be even more afraid to make contact to a woman.
Why do people date online anyways?
Because they are either afraid to do it in reality, or they are desperate to have someone in their lives, so they want to grab any chance to meet someone.
The completion of the questionnaire that sets up the profile is a great challenge. People complete it as a difficult test where they want to get the best results. They know that their profile must be a magnet in order to attract many possible dates. It’s like a test at school where they need to give the best answers to get the best grades. The grades here are the candidates.
It’s a huge tension, and everyone wants to have an impressing, amazing, magnificent profile. Behind every profile there is a someone, who is the reality. And in many cases the profile might contain only the traces of this personality.
Think of choosing your profile picture. Would you choose your best picture ever, apply a little Photoshop here, filters and shades there to make it the best, or you choose a random photo on which you were captured with the Xmas turkey? When searching on a dating site, would you take your time reading profiles that have no photos at all? Many people won’t.
Let’s conclude the whole dating story.
Humphrey dates online because he is desperate. He is trying to be honest to get his perfect match, who is very probably his female version – low self confidence, clumsy, insecure and indecisive.
Or he accepts Dwayne’s approach and he sets up a profile as a womanizer, who he isn’t. He attracts women who would probably make him disappointed, and the other way around.
How could this story be solved in a proper way?
If you write the truth, you get the truth. If you lie, you deceive yourself and the other one that ends in failure.
You want to find the perfect match to yourself?
You have to be the perfect match to yourself!
Your perfect match is who you are. Do you want to have it? You have to become comfortable with yourself. And it’s very important that you don’t have to become someone else, but stay who you are, and accept that. This is when you are a match to yourself. You are one with your Self.
You can’t sell yourself as a confident person if you aren’t, you can’t sell yourself as a secure and strong willed person if you aren’t. You have to become confident with who you are, even if it’s low self confidence or clumsiness. You have to own it. That’s you.
Everything you wish to see in your partner is very probably missing from you. The reason you want to find that person is to share her/his qualities as you don’t have them, or just very limited. Do you want a loving, caring person? It’s very likely that you don’t love yourself and you don’t care about yourself, so you are looking for someone who will do it for you. If you are a loving and caring person, it’s natural for you that people are loving, and it’s not your special wish to find someone who is loving. This is a special wish for those who don’t feel love for themselves.
The trick is that you attract what you have inside, so you will very probably attract your female/male version. If you are not comfortable with who you are, you don’t love and accept yourself, you will attract your perfect match according to that.
So who is your perfect match?
If you are comfortable with who you are, maybe you will attract someone who is also clumsy like you, but she is also comfortable with who she is, and doesn’t want to become someone who she isn’t. And that’s the perfect match.
How can you find your perfect match?
You have to become the perfect match to your Self, and then you will attract your perfect match in the real world.