I have already written some posts on narcissism, now here is another one.
I have realized that most people are afraid of narcissism, which is already narcissistic. Being afraid of something or someone is the trick of the ego. When your ego is able to scare you, you are your own victim, the victim of your ego.
And when you are afraid, you are out of love, because the absence of love is fear. When you are driven by fear, it will make you do, think and say things that might hurt you, or others. Saying, doing, thinking things out of fear is narcissism.
Think about it! Love makes you feel good. When you have love, you feel love, you share love. You are nice and kind with yourself and with others. But when you have fear, you share your fear. And sharing negative/fearful/painful emotions through negative behavior and talk, is narcissism. When you cannot contain or process your fear, you project it on others, you try to share it with them.
Narcissism is not self love, as it’s still taught widely, this is a huge misconception. Narcissism is the absence of love. When you don’t have love, you don’t give love. Then you have fear, and you share it.
There is only one power that eliminate fear, and that’s love. Love is the only medicine that can heal you and your relationship to yourself.
Let me bring you a simple example, where I show how this everyday-narcissism shows up.
You have a job where you no longer feel yourself fine. The atmosphere of your workplace has become uncomfortable, the working hours are long, the new colleagues are not suitable for their position and they are not helpful. You earn little money and you need to work also at home sometimes. You no longer feel yourself as a worker, but as a slave.
An idea of starting a new enterprise comes back to your mind more and more often. You think of having a business on your own, you are responsible for the atmosphere, the colleagues, the money, and the working hours. You have designed your business in your mind many times, but you still haven’t done the first step to bring your vision alive.
You begin to second-guessing yourself. You are afraid of not having enough clients, not being able to pay the rent price, not being good enough to keep your clients, not being able to run your business on your own.
So you stay at your workplace, and you keep feeling yourself worse.
You have made a choice to listen to your ego, and the fear that your ego generated in you stopped you to initiate. Your feelings of being trapped in your unsuitable workplace have grown stronger, you are trapped by the fear of the ego.
By staying somewhere uncomfortable is basically the act of abusing yourself. You are abused by your ego, which is the part of you.
You abuse yourself by listening to your ego, because what the ego does is to make you scared, in order to keep you under control. As long as you do not initiate things, you do not want to try new things, your ego feels safe. The biggest fears of the ego are to fail, to make mistakes, to be humiliated and annihilated. Every change you initiate is a threat for your ego. You never need to fight others on the outside, your ego is the biggest narcissist in your life, by pushing and keeping you in situations, relationships, at workplaces, where you feel yourself awful. But that’s the comfort zone of your ego, because it’s KNOWN and FAMILIAR. But it’s obviously uncomfortable for you.
The comfort zone of your ego is your discomfort zone! And the other way around. You never have to leave your comfort zone, you have to stop being bound by the ego, and just step out!
So you stay and you suffer. You become ill many times just to keep yourself away from your workplace. Your performance slows down, your boss is not satisfied with you, and by the next downsizing you are out. You haven’t started your business you had dreamed of, you don’t have a job anymore, you feel awful.
But this situation is where a lot of people have nothing to lose anymore, so they start their businesses anyways, and if they don’t listen to their egos, they will succeed. If they listen to their egos, they will be afraid of new things and initiatives again, and they will not be successful with their own businesses.
As long as you listen to your ego, you are narcissistic towards others, or towards yourself. As long as you are bound by your ego, and the fear of your ego, you will watch the outside world as a threat, you will see competition, you will criticize everyone, and you will measure yourself to others. You’ll be angry if someone does the same but more successfully, if someone lives a happy and satisfied life, you’ll be jealous of all those who seem to be happy. Because your ego compares you to everyone.
Let me bring you another example!
You have an emotionally abusive relationship. You no longer feel it suitable, comfortable, loving and caring. You feel that either it should be changed or finished.
This second option is something that the ego is afraid of. The ego gains power from relationships, the ego is proved to be worthy, useful, lovable and desirable. Simply by being in a relationship is the automatic proof of the goodness and worthiness of your ego. So keeping you in an abusive relationship is a priority for your ego.
What do you feel in the meantime?
You are afraid to stay single, because you think that if you get out of this current relationship, you’ll stay alone for ever, no one will ever love you and you stay single for the rest of your life. You bring back all the fears of your ego on the surface – not lovable, not worthy, useless, not desirable.
You stay and you suffer. You are bound by the choice of your ego – which is your part – and you abuse yourself through the decision that is run by fear. Because all fear is run by the ego. And the fear is the absence of love. So fear makes you act in narcissistic ways, with others or with yourself. Staying in an emotionally abusive relationship is the choice of your ego, your choice. You abuse yourself on first level, and your partner abuses you on the second level. But the ego refuses to be bad, so all your guilt has to go to your partner, you’ll very probably blame him for how he behaves with you.
The ego doesn’t accept that it might fail, so all responsibility is for your partner. You’ll be angry at your partner that he abuses you, claiming to change himself and his behavior. But asking other people to change themselves for our sake, for our well-being, in order to fit into our lives is abuse.
And in the meantime you are impatient, hurt, disappointed, broken, and you are still bound by your ego.
The egoistic behavior – following your ego and being bound by the fear it generates in you – is narcissistic. Egoistic equals narcissistic.
Egoistic love and self love are not the same. Self love is when you love who you are, and egoistic love is when you love who you THINK you are.
The tricky thing with your ego is that it keeps you in the state which it has been conditioned to, as a young ego. So if you were not conditioned to love and accept yourself, that will be the comfort zone of your ego; without love, without self acceptance. So it will try to keep you in its comfort zone, generating that kind of fear which will definitely hold you back from having comfortable jobs, comfortable friendships, comfortable relationships, comfortable family life. Because that is unknown and unfamiliar to your ego. And in this case we don’t talk about egoistic love, because the ego won’t make you love who you think you are, but it will make you hate who you think you are. And that’s egoistic hate, when you hate yourself.
Still! The ego is the part of you, if you begin to hate your ego, you are not getting closer to the solution. Only love can dissolve fear, so you need to love your ego, accept it, learn it’s fears and motivation. And every time when you catch yourself in the act of being afraid of something, ask yourself: why my ego is afraid of this, and what can I do to help it get over the fear?
If you have faith in God, and you know that God is all love, you can offer your fear to God, and pray to have your fear taken away, and help you solve your situation. Your ego will try to sabotage this, and it will make you think that you need to do something not just ask and wait for God to take your fear away. Your ego will try to Edge God Out (by Wayne Dyer) and will push you into action. But any action through the filter of fear is failure, and if you are pushed by your ego to do something, you act on fear. And when your ego makes you think that you can solve such things in your life, it will basically make you claim that you know it better than God. And you will act out of your ego, edging God out.