We all have at least one friend who lives in an emotionally abusive relationship, but she stays, even if it is obvious – for you – that she deserves better. Only she doesn’t know it. Or she feels that her relationships doesn’t work, but she doesn’t want to know it. Is it possible that this person is you?
What’s going on here?
Why do you stay where you are hurt?
I have heard many excuses, and I had many excuses too, when I myself had disrespectful affairs, emotionally abusive relationships, and I have to tell you that I’ve learnt that there is no such situation that cannot be changed. Oh well, there is one: we will all die, and that’s the only thing we have no control over. All the rest can be changed, or will be changed.
Next time when you hear yourself complaining about your relationships /weight or lack of time/ don’t say that I can’t, say it’s not important. Let’s see what I mean.
I can’t lose weight, I have no time to go to the gym; – usual stuff. It’s not important to lose weight.
I don’t have time to make a website for my business; – usual stuff. It’s not important to do business.
I can’t visit my friend; – usual stuff. It’s not important to visit my friend.
I can’t get out of this relationship, you can’t understand this; – usual stuff. It’s not important to get out of this relationship.
Do you see the difference? What’s important for you, you will do it, regardless the obstacles.
What are the reasons under the surface, that make you stay in an uncomfortable, emotionally – or even physically – abusive relationship?
ONE: massive victim mentality
When you are in a situation together with someone else, you can always find the scapegoat in your partner. He talks to me disrespectfully, he doesn’t call/text me back, he treats me like a piece of crap, he lies, he cheats on me, he never helps, his stuff is always more important than mine…
Having a relationship is a good excuse to find the problem in the other one, but there is one huge problem with this mentality.
If he is the reason of all bad things in the relationship, it suggests that you are perfect. And you know who thinks herself to be perfect, no reason of failure? Yes, a narcissist.
Victim mentality equals to narcissistic mentality, only backwards. Narcissists think: I’m perfect, no way that I’m the reason of this mess. Victims think: he treats me poorly, he is the reason, I’m doing good, no way that I’m responsible for all this mess. These are the same excuses, only from the opposite directions.
The reason that prevents you from moving on with your life is that if you get out of this relationship, you will lose the external cause of you misery. You will no longer be able to make others responsible for your awful emotional life, and if you happen to feel miserable after quitting, that will be your fault, 100%.
You will need to find an internal cause of your misery, and as a victim, you will be challenged to find one. As a victim, you place the blame on others always, that prevents you from getting your life into your hands and lead yourself. You will be dragged, but at least you don’t have to take the responsibility for your life.
If you stay miserable after quitting, you become the source of your pain, and that’s difficult to face with. This is not compatible with victim mentality.
TWO: be single, be worthless
We are all born into codependent relationships with our parents, we rely on them as babies and kids. In a functional family we are encouraged to become independent individuals, be responsible for our life, be able to make decisions, and feel worthy, useful and lovable. We become confident adults who have a healthy relationship with themselves, which internal relationship is the model of our external relationships. How we treat ourselves is the way we will be treated.
In a dysfunctional family everything is exactly the opposite. Kids grow up without confidence, they don’t become individuals, but stay the part of a unity – family – and they receive their worth exceptionally from this unity. They don’t feel useful and lovable on their own, for who they are, only this unity proves and provides their worth. Or in case their unworthiness, because in a dysfunctional family the communication is dysfunctional also. Many people grow up without ever hearing from their parents: I love you, or I’m proud of you, and in this case it’s difficult to pass on what you have never learnt.
And when you grow up, you stay codependent as you gain your worth and usefulness from your partner. The existence of your relationship – regardless of its quality – is the direct proof of your being lovable and desirable. This implies that if you don’t have a relationship, you automatically become useless, unworthy, not lovable or desirable.
All those who live in emotionally abusive relationships have an awful relationship with themselves. They try to hold on to this awful relationship still, because if they stay alone, they would need to face that they don’t love themselves. The alone time not only means that they are unworthy, but also it might bring the recognition how much they don’t know themselves and love themselves. So their motto: better in a relationShit than alone.
THREE: you’re still walking the same path on which you were set
And it’s not working, still you don’t leave it. You wait for permission, or you are afraid to make a decision of your own, still, you don’t think to save the sinking ship, or leave it.
If you were brought up in a family that didn’t give you enough freedom to make decisions for yourself, you’ll wait for the situation to be solved in a way where you don’t have to decide.
If you were brought in a family where your parents didn’t have a loving and caring relationship but on the contrary, you might stay, as your relationship brings you the same situations what you saw at home, and it means that this relationship is the comfort zone of your ego. Your parents showed you a model and now your ego feels itself comfortable, because your ego knows this situation already. It’s safe. Even if it is your discomfort zone.
Many people haven’t realized that they can leave the path on which they were set, especially if the path is uncomfortable, dangerous and abusive. They stay and suffer, and in the meantime they wait for the other one to solve the problems of their relationship. If he would be more this or that, if he wouldn’t do this or that, if he wouldn’t say this or that, is basically refusing to make one step towards the solution, may it be fixing the relationship, or leaving it.
We cannot fix people, we can fix ourselves only, but that would mean leaving the well-known path, leaving the comfort zone of the ego.
We are not our parents and we are not our past, but these thoughts still give relief and safety for the ego. Some people even stay in awful relationships – unconsciously – because they don’t allow themselves to be more successful than their parents! /More on this very soon!/
All three reasons are fear based. You are afraid to take responsibility for your life, you are afraid to be single and you are afraid to leave the known path, which is obviously dysfunctional. Fear based decisions – or lack of decisions – create fear based lives. Fear based lives prevent people to be happy. No one can be afraid and happy at the same time, one or the other.
To be continued!